Happy Hatesgiving

1. Missing Out on Cal Football

You can’t watch a football game when you’re studying abroad, not even one as momentous as Cal vs. USC. But it doesn’t matter because on that day at 2 a.m. (5 p.m. Pacific), you pop an Ambien, ready for a night of tranquility and slumber. But about 15 minutes later, your awesome friend in Berkeley excitedly video-IMs you and sets up his webcam in front of the television—savior! (“But shit, this sleeping pill...” you wonder.) It’s a choppy audiovisual connection, but who cares? Wait, what is this? Technical failure? Your (now not quite as awesome) friend has left the room to watch the game on the big TV downstairs, probably downing a cold beer. And then—nothing left to do but softly weep blue and gold tears into your pillow, unhappily drifting asleep, crushed by drugs and USC.

Soo Oh

2. I Hate ‘World of Warcraft’

In 2004, Blizzard Entertainment introduced a disease that would spread throughout the world, destroying most everything that humanity holds dear. This disease was commonly referred to as “World of Warcraft.” Now, I’m no scientist, but I do know that symptoms of those affected include peeling of the skin, shrinking of the brain, degeneration of social skills, and loss of respect amongst peers. Be advised to stay away from those who play, as they value nothing else in life and will make you hate “World of Warcraft” for it.

Calvin Cohen

3. The Transportation Blues

Living outside of the campus bubble isn’t always as great as its cracked up to be. For instance, a decision as small as how to get to class can become a dilemma. Do you drive and brave the hassles of Berkeley parking—either changing your spot every two hours in order to avoid parking tickets or paying out the ass for a Unit 3 parking spot (which is almost as expensive as the parking ticket)? Or worse yet, do you take the 40L, where there’s more than a slight chance that something will reek of three-day-old urine? Frankly, walking has never seemed more appealing.

Sean Manning

4. Mayonnaise Malaise

This disgusting blend of eggs and oil enjoys an unchallenged reign of terror over the American diet. Look around—it’s hard to find a pre-made sandwich that doesn’t have this “Miracle” slathered all over it like a Tom Sawyer whitewash. You’d better love globs of Hellman’s despoiling your tomatoes, wilting your greens and soggy-ing your bread, or you’re out of luck.

Ryan McDonald

5. Tangled Up in Dudes

I’m down with the old campus eccentrics. Stoney? Yell all you want. Happy Happy Man? Love it! I’m happy, happy, happy too, you old crazy-ass crazy. What I hate is the half-dozen or so people who sit around to hear that guy by Dwinelle sing mildly in-tune versions of Bob Dylan songs. It’s like they're moths, drawn to huge cliches. These are the same people who look confused in discussion sections, and have discussions about how communism has never really been practiced while playing frisbee and growing ill-advised beards. Ask the dude about life all you want; you are still kind of a loser.

Tyler McCauley

6. Leave the Socialites Alone

It might be 2006, but there’s something you ladies ought to know: Successful women keep their clothes on. They don’t show up late for work, party or make sex tapes. And if they do, they become objects of derision like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Granted, some are justifiably sick of their partial flashings and tabloid omnipresence, but if LiLo’s bikini didn’t constitute entertainment news, that wouldn’t be a problem. So don’t hate too much on Paris and Lindsay anymore, because if you weren’t forced into tastefulness by the upper middle class, you probably wouldn’t be doing it classy, either.

Melissa Fall

7. Goddammit, Sylvester

Wow. “Rocky VI.” What a freaking catastrophe. Sequels are generally loathsome for representing the paucity of new ideas floating around in the insular Hollywood bubble, but six of them is just a slap in the face. Anyone with a conscience or even a modicum of good taste should avoid this movie strictly on principle. Remember folks, if you encourage them, they'll only do it more.

Steven Simunic

8. In the Bowels of Barrows

As buildings go, Barrows is the runner-up (behind Evans, of course) for worst soul-sucking monument to lame architecture. Within its eyesore of a heart lies 110 Barrows, a gray, fluorescent-lit hell where unsuspecting students go to die of sheer annoyance. With its awkward, squeaky, attached-to-the-table swivel chairs, tiered seating that makes your feet hang off the edge like a five-year-old in a movie theater, and a nice, big, vision-obstructing post smack-dab in the middle of the room, what’s not to hate?

Plus, the doors are the noisiest things ever, making sneaking into or out of this dungeon of social sciences impossible.

Ariel Toft

9. Alright, Still, Get Out of My Ear

There are scores of reasons to loathe Lily Allen: There’s her overriding sense of entitlement; the bland, insipid lyrics; the ubiquity of her sudden fame; the blinding adoration of the indie community; the precocity; the entire MySpace phenomenon; the Pitchfork love.

But the most irritating thing about Lily Allen is that, despite everything, I just can’t stop listening to her.

Steven Simunic

10. For the Berkeley Bowl Snobs

If I accidentally pick up a conventional potato instead of

an organic one, I get dirty looks from the patrons of Berkeley Bowl. So what if I’m buying conventional? I’m poor. I don’t eat high fructose corn syrup or GMOs and I know all about the benefits of sustainable and organic agriculture. All of these “I only drink raw milk” snobs can just go shove it.

Plus, most of them have really bad B.O.

Liz Seagrave

11. To Pound or Not To Pound

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the pound. I’m a proponent of the Jazzy Jeff School of Palm-Slaps and Subsequent Finger-Snaps, but you’ve got your own deal and that’s cool. Here’s what pisses me off: I initiate the chat-ending palm-slap, and you offer your knuckles. I established the exit plan, but now you’re making me call a fist-clenching audible. And now you’re switching too? Like you’re helping the situation? I’ve already committed to the pound! Your pound! Let’s just keep the hands in the pockets and nod, alright?

It’s better this way.

Robert Bergin

12. Why Are You Famous Again? Oh, Right.

Sienna Miller, I admit I was wrong when I predicted you would go down in history as nothing but a pair of breasts. Instead, you gained eternal fame for screwing Jude Law. The magazines call you an actress, yet you’ve never really starred in a movie. They also call you a fashion icon, but those longjohn-like footless tight things? C’mon Sienna, even Peter-fucking-Pan wore a dress over his tights! Jude gave you fame, and fame gave you money, but clearly, money will never buy you class.

Sarah Kamshoshy

13. You Just Really Shouldn’t Be Famous

What causes James Blunt’s melodramatic drivel? Did he just not get laid in high school? Pop music is already oversaturated with Mother England’s sappy woe-is-me rock, so I’m sure no one would even realize if his passport was mysteriously taken away. He sings like he’s got his nuts caught in a vice, and I’m sure the preschooler who wrote his lyrics doesn’t appreciate the screeched butchering Blunt does to his words. I vote we give him and his little supermodel girlfriend the boot back to Britain ASAP.

Justin Ziegler

14. Squirrels

When I was little, squirrels were those, cute, unthreatening, acorn-gnawing playmates at the park. But campus squirrels are a different species altogether, and ones that, disturbingly enough, have no fear of humans. Take the following scenario: One time my sister was sitting on some steps on campus, just eating her lunch and minding her own business, when this gnarly, deranged squirrel came charging straight at her with blood dripping down its mouth. She literally had to scramble to her feet and run for dear life. What happened to the days when a simple stomp would send them scurrying away? Man, I would so kick one if I didn’t think I might miss its fat body and get its fluffy tail instead. And how unsatisfying would that be?

Gazelle Emami

15. ‘You Shall Not Pass’

So many people on this campus do not know how to walk. Perhaps you’ve got the motion down for 20 years (or more), but guess what, sunshine? You still don’t know the etiquette. So you get along with your whole floor in the dorms. That’s great. Do all five of you have to walk in a horizontal line together? I see you have an iPod. You must be listening to that “Lessons in Douchery” lecture you missed. Or does auditory stimulation obstruct your peripheral vision? Kiddo, you aren’t the only person trying to get from Mulford to Barrows.

Kristina Mody

16. Dane Cook Disciples

Dane Cook, rightly or wrongly, has won himself oodles of fans. It’s not just joking around that’s brought him an admiring audience—it’s his charisma, stage presence and delivery. Unless you’re Mr. Cook, you don’t share these qualities. Getting people to appreciate what you have to say isn’t easy, but demonstrating your intimate familiarity with another man’s jokes and vocal inflections sure isn’t going to win you an award. If we “had to be there,” face it: You’re not funny.

Michael Harkin

17. Soggy Food Is Bad Food

Nothing ruins a good day faster than an attack of the soggy. Now you might be recalling a rainy day when you had a knack for finding the deepest puddles, but sometimes soggy happens when you least expect it. Picture this: You’re picking up a bite to eat, and as they begin to assemble your delicious turkey sandwich, someone gets a little overzealous with the condiments. Now you just watch helplessly as the mustard seeps into the sourdough becoming the drenched mess that is your lunch. Soggy has struck again.

Meredith Sires

18. The Cowlick Hairdo

Why would you want to accentuate that one stupid piece of hair that sticks up just above your forehead? You just end up looking ridiculous. Yes, fads come and go—it was probably fun for those kids who would fly their finger skateboards off their cowlick jumps, but that was the ’90s. You know who you are, and I suggest that you go home and use your gel for less harmful purposes.

Caroline Partamian

19. That Guy’s Gross Feet

Feet suck. Yes, they are essential, but feet are also: hairy, ugly, smelly, un-maintained and generally physically repulsive. But we live in California, where flip-flops are a way of life—which means we have to endure the sight of everyone’s terrible tootsies at nearly every turn. I have learned to control my disgust, but sometimes there’s just no way—like when the guy behind me in lecture takes off his shoes and places his yellowed, gnarly feet behind my head. I almost died. If you must expose your offending feet, sir, save me the near-death experience, and at least clip your toenails. Please.

Kristina Mody

20. A Letter to Blake’s

Dear Blake’s,

Why do you hate music? The last time I went to Blake’s, I paid $12 to see exactly 1.25 good bands mixed in with three to four terrible ones—and somehow, Andre Nickatina ended up playing.

What does this mean? It means you’re hurting Berkeley music, Blake’s. You’re hurting it. We all just want to go somewhere and see a show and not have to take out a bank loan for a beer and hang out with a bunch of bouncers and drunk middle-aged women. Stop booking second-rate coke rappers and metal bands, and maybe we’ll talk. Maybe.

Tyler McCauley

21. For Every 1,000 People

While conditional Facebook groups like “For Every 1,000 People Who Join This Group I will Donate $1 to Darfur” began with serious intentions, they’ve since grown to include such gems as “If 100,000 People Join This Group My Professor Will Buy Me a Keg.”

How’s this: For everyone who’s sick of these groups, I propose a new one called “For Every Person Who Invites Me to Join a Ridiculous Group, I Will Hunt Them Down and Slap Them.” Wanna join?

Carrie Laven

22. Carpet... Meh

You’re lame, non-shag carpet. All you do is collect pieces of dead skin and little creatures that feed on your debris. At least with shag you can run your toes through it. But you can’t rollerskate on carpet. Lame.

Liz Seagrave

23. Ughs

These Franken-boots are a fashion travesty. Aside from the fact that they appear to be lined with poodle fur (and after a few weeks worth of wear looks like wet dog fur), they are ultimately unnecessary. Ladies, we live in California. If you want to go hiking in the Rockies, fine. I will strap the tennis rackets to my feet and snowshoe up there with you. But until then, keep the shopping trips with Auntie Eskimo to a minimum and put on a pair of shoes!

Justin Ziegler

24. ‘Awkward Silence!’ water

Group dynamics aren’t always smooth. Even if everyone gets along, conversations can be punctuated by brief silences or momentary instances of discomfort. Just about everybody realizes this, but some still feel an insatiable need to point out every occurrence of social disjointedness. To those people: Please realize that even without your incredibly apt observation, awkwardness is almost always entirely self-evident.

Michael Harkin

25. ‘White and Nerdy’

Mediocre jokes don't survive repeat telling. Such is the case with Alfred “Weird Al” Yankovic. His parody of Chamillionaire's “Ridin’ (Dirty),” is a particularly grating whitebread ode for mass consumption, completely stripped of the song’s original protest. It’s mildly amusing the first time around, but I really can’t stomach seconds.

Linda Truong

26. LaRouche Groupieswater

Look guys, it’s simple. Join a viable political movement. Or have the decency to leave us in peace and not talk about things you clearly don’t understand. And just stop it with the pamphlets on every chair in Wheeler Auditorium.

Ariel Toft

27. Crocs of Shit

With all of the cute, comfortable shoes sold in stores, why are so many people wearing fluorescent sponges on their feet? Unless you’re a retiree living in Florida and you wear them for gardening, these hideous neon-colored clogs are not acceptable. Ever.

Carrie Laven

28. Grey’s Anatomy

Seriously, I’m seriously tired of all the “Mc” jokes. Not to mention the absurd overuse of the word “seriously.” With all the poorly-acted backstabbing, sleeping around and whining, when is there time for these doctors to practice medicine? Oh, that’s right—there isn’t.

Carrie Laven

29. Cheap Vodka

Yes, night reveler, I can see from the skirt and Uggs that you’re not big on good decisions. But no, crappy gutter vodka will not make Kip’s any more enjoyable.

Tyler McCauley

30. Those Fucking Dancers it ain’t water

You know who you are.

Nate Tabak

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