At that moment, however, I realized that I wasn't scared, but empowered. At that very second, I looked at the gay guy in the group and thought to myself, "Why do you hang out with these guys?" I saw the fear in his face when his friend screamed at me-it was the fear of being outed.
This situation makes me wonder why this gay guy, who is so deeply closeted, wants to remain friends with these types of people.
In a short conversation I had with this particular gay male in the past, I recall him asking me why "fags" insist on being so flamboyant, going on to justify the hatred toward queer people due to their "stereotypical" nature.
Let me explain how the disgust for gay people comes about. Even though many of you, I'm sure, have a grasp as to the meaning of the word, let me begin by defining homophobia, by looking at the word itself. The prefix "homo" is defined as one or of the same-used here in reference to homosexuals-and "phobia" is a deep, irrational fear.
Internalized homophobia is when a gay person is so afraid to come out-of the closet, that is-that they resort to overt homophobia. People dealing with internalized homophobia are so scared that they will be associated with the "negative" image of queer people they have in their minds, that they utilize homophobia to steer clear of queer individuals.
This blatant homophobia is expressed by making homophobic comments, slurs and frequently escalates to violence, as illustrated in Matthew Shepard's murder.
In October of 1998, Shepard was murdered by people who were afraid of homosexuality. On that fateful night, Shepard met two guys at a bar in Wyoming, and a few hours later all three of them were seen leaving together. Shepard was found the following day tortured and brutalized, having been pistol-whipped and left to die hanging from a fence in a remote location.
There is absolutely no way that Shepard can speak of this event now or its key players. I believe that Shepherd's killers wanted to maintain their "assumed heterosexual roles" in their hometown, and to preserve these roles, Shepard's life was taken from him in order to protect the killers' identities.
What I'm trying to say here is that internalized homophobia is extremely dangerous to the individual and to the queer community.
Much to the chagrin of that group of guys who passed by me hoping that I would shudder, I didn't, and am fortunate to feel empowered by this incident.
I realize that the closeted gay male in that group has no one to speak with, and lacks the resources that are readily available to him, because he chooses to hang out with "friends" who will make it increasingly difficult for him to come out. People like this continue to perpetuate violence against the queer community, as do queer people suffering from internalized homophobia.
A lot of my friends and I share a theory that the most homophobic person is queer and afraid of being "found out," utilizing homophobia as a defense mechanism.
We have many resources on campus for people who are having trouble coming to terms with their sexuality. Being in the Bay Area, we live only 12 miles from one of the largest per capita queer populations in the country.
The moral of the story is that we do have resources and support available to us-all we need to do is seek them out.
First off, I notice that one cannot simply approach any one queer person, hoping that they will chauffeur you along this bumpy road to self-discovery. And also, I'm sure closeted people may feel threatened to be seen in public with another gay person because of the huge "gay by association" stigma.
There are places on and off campus that deal with situations like this.
The best resource on campus would be the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Services Office in 209 Cesar Chavez. If you don't feel comfortable going to someone in person, there is another service available: Closet Chat, every Wednesday night at 10 p.m. online at http://queer.berkeley.edu.
Another resource on campus is the Queer Resource Center on the third floor of Eshleman Hall. They hold a lot of social functions for the queer community on campus.
Tang also offers Clinical Counseling and Psychological Services located on the third floor of Tang Health Center at 2222 Bancroft Ave. It's confidential and open to students, even if you are not covered under the Student Health Insurance Package.
Another place you can check out is the Pacific Center for Human Growth located on 2712 Telegraph Ave. It plays a significant historical role in the queer community affiliated with UC Berkeley. They offer support groups and other counseling services. You can check them out at: www.pacificcenter.org.
All of these services are strictly confidential, and by attending, you could possibly make a few new friends.