Memory can never be entirely accurate. The further you progress into the future, the more you mentally leave behind. The identity of your past self is buried under your current identity, like how the width of my past thighs is buried under the width of my current thighs. And I Read More…
Hey grownies (like kiddies, but better!), you can regularly watch cartoons and be fine — take it from your ever-reliable, mostly intact columnist, here. I say this because there exists a common misconception that watching animations equates with immaturity. This assumption stems from the fact that most popular cartoons are Read More…
When it comes to Bert and Ernie, I spy wildly synthetic hair, miniature Cosby sweaters and some wires controlling their ever-flapping bodies. None of these features inspire the desire to explore what is going on underneath their puppet exterior. But it has recently come to my attention that such unattractive Read More…
“I’m surrounded by morons.” Upon hearing this phrase emanating from my VHS tape of “All Dogs Go to Heaven,” my 7-year-old mouth went rampant with it. At the grocery store. At the bank. At Lane Bryant. I unwittingly insulted people everywhere I went. My mother never fails to remind me. Read More…
Popular reality shows about little girls who unnaturally spray-tan a la Honey Boo Boo Child simultaneously make viewers feel like they’re regressing in intelligence and losing a grip on their youth. In the wake of this, adulthood seems to become an increasingly debilitating prospect. Read More…
Most of us remember “The Simpsons” for its cultural impact on our childhoods, but rarely do we remember the nuances of the show itself. We remember the countless guest stars, the seemingly endless number of episodes and the character archetypes the show has come to define, but I doubt most Read More…
Ten albums for the hip-hop layman. This list has been my burden, my baby. I’ve carried it for the last month or so. Consider this the document of my labor. It began with a serious debate between me, myself and I and my knowledgeable counsel, who shall remain nameless. The questions Read More…
“Buckle your seatbelts / You’re in for the ride of a lifetime.” Your wet-work specialist is here to “kleen” the rap game, or at least make it more interesting by investing in the truth. Yes, his name is Self Jupiter. And no, there’s no need for questions. He’s had a job like Read More…
Method Man spit on me. Then he made like a flying squirrel and landed, legs wide open, on the metallic railing separating crowd and stage. After his testicle-shifting tumble, myself and a few husky amphitheatre security guards in ill-fitting yellow polos helped Meth to his feet. But the mic never Read More…
Three is the magic number. And somewhere in this hip-hop soul community was born three: Serk Spliffton, Ray Wright and Manu Li — Warm Brew. Despite the reference, Warm Brew aren’t exactly part of the De La lineage. They find themselves direct descendants of West Coast icons like Snoop, Quik, $hort Read More…
