As the days grow closer to a final summer sunset, maybe you’ve spent this vacation exploring, dating someone new or maybe just staying friends. But can a guy and a girl really just be friends and nothing more? It’s a timeless and popular question that Timothy Goodman and Jessica Walsh have set out to answer.

Jessica, a hopeless romantic, and Timothy, scared shitless of commitment, claimed to be amused by each other’s not-so-successful love lives. In an attempt to answer why relationships can suck so much, 40 Days of Dating was born.  In order to get the most out of their project, Goodman and Walsh set up rules for themselves. They were to:

1. See each other every day for 40 days.

2. Go on at least three dates a week.

3. See a couples’ therapist once a week.

4. Go on one weekend trip together.

5. Fill out their daily questionnaire and document, well, everything.

6. Not see, date, hook up or have sex with anyone else.

Okay, so we’ll leave it to you guys to judge whether this could be considered a legitimate experiment, but maybe this didn’t have to be so complicated. It’s a fun project to take on if you have nothing else better to do, but guys and girls can totally be friends! Now of course, this would be a little difficult if you think your friend is hot, is cute or just has the greatest personality. But if you don’t feel attracted to your friend, then there. Friends! However, when asked in a CNN interview whether Goodman thought whether men and women could be friends, he answered, “If you asked me a couple of months ago, I would’ve said yes. In one of his stand-ups, Chris Rock said every platonic friend that he had was someone he was trying to sleep with, but he made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in the ‘friend zone.’ I think there’s truth in that. A man always has a motive.”

What do you think? Do men always have their motives, or is it totally possible for all of us to be, quite simply, friends (especially in college)? Let us know in the comments!

Image source: randomix under Creative Commons 

Contact Karen Kwaning at kkwaning@dailycal.org.

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Sony Picture Classics/Courtesy

What’s so seductive about the “Before” movies, which consist of “Before Sunrise” (1995), “Before Sunset” (2004) and the upcoming “Before Midnight,” is the unique concept of following two very flawed but likable and engaging people and watching how their unorthodox relationship changes every nine years. By now, it would perhaps be more devastating for us to part with Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy) than it would be to watch them part ways. Part of what’s made these movies so personal is that the audience is just as entwined in this messy, complicated relationship as Jesse and Celine are. We’re in it together. We’re too involved at this point.

Director Richard Linklater’s little romance came out of nowhere in 1995 with a really surprising, really smart pairing of two actors who were out to prove themselves. It wasn’t like “Before Sunrise” didn’t know that Jesse and Celine were flawed. Yet the movie was so calm and humane that we couldn’t help but fall in love with them, and Linklater had so smartly incorporated Vienna into the film that the romance could have only felt overflowing.

Nine years later, the unexpected “Before Sunset” arrived. This time, we were witnessing more than just a playful flirtation between two young people. The characters didn’t feel so storybook this time — despite how picturesque Paris felt as a backdrop to their walk-and-talk. We watch Celine really turn into a mess, threatening Jesse that she’d hop out of the cab in tears when he doesn’t remember they’d made love not once but twice. And Jesse confides just how imperfect his life has turned out; a crumbling marriage with a kid complicates matters even more. “Before Sunset” was a tiny interval where Jesse and Celine are briefly reacquainted, but we knew they were going to have to part again. However, we left them on a promising note, pondering the possibility that Jesse might just miss his flight and stay with Celine.

Eighteen years later, we are reunited once again with Jesse and Celine in “Before Midnight.” What surprises and amazes so much about “Before Midnight” is just how profoundly Jesse and Celine have changed over the years. They’re still the same people, but now we sense something heavier weighing on them. Linklater has framed this movie very differently than he did the first two; for the first time, we see third-party individuals interact with and influence Jesse and Celine in significant ways and for large parts of the movie.

When they eventually embark on that trademark walk-and-talk we so yearn to see them go on, it’s not the same; they’re more exhausted and less buoyant. What’s changed is that, at last, Jesse and Celine decided to leave behind their storybook romance and have finally committed to each other. Linklater, Hawke and Delpy have aptly removed the youthful dreaminess that so perfectly enveloped the first two films and have replaced it with something stronger and deeper: reality. It’s ironic that now that Jesse and Celine are finally together, the fate of their relationship feels more precarious than ever before. The dynamic of their relationship is too real and too common now that we have a stronger inkling this time of where exactly this partnership might go. For the entire movie, we worry for them and agonize with them, but that’s what makes “Before Midnight” so beautiful. We know them too well by now, so we ache knowing how connected we are to them and how much their decisions will affect us. And they do. “Before Midnight” is the richest but also the saddest of all the movies.

Braulio Ramirez covers film. Contact him at bramirez@dailycal.org.

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America loves porn. Fact: every second, more than 28,000 Internet users are watching porn. That means that in the time it took you to read this sentence, a bunch of them probably came. Lovely. Now, I’m not here to shame porn. It can be incredibly sexy and liberating. The problem is when it isn’t liberating and actually diminishes the quality of sex.

Imagine you decide to take a boxing class. Unfortunately, this class involves being punched in the face. The first few times, it hurts like hell, and your teeth start aching and you swear to never go back. But go back you do, and as you practice, each punch begins to hurt less. You eventually get desensitized, and a hit that floors you on day one won’t even make you blink on day 30.

This is fantastic if you’ve decided to become a professional boxer, but this same desensitization happens when you’re constantly exposed to porn. America typically watches porn that includes lots of rough sex, choking blow jobs and million-dollar cumshots.

It’s no surprise that media influences our perceptions of the world. When you constantly watch porn, you begin to expect porn in the bedroom. Guys: watching porn too often can actually make it harder for you to get hard and orgasm. In fact, it’s so common that it has its own name: porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Not only that, but you can be missing out on possibly the best orgasm of your life because your brain no longer responds to a lighter touch. Ladies: Watching porn too often can lead to false expectations about your own performance.

Most porn portrays women as going from zero to 60 in eight minutes or less and having earth-shattering orgasms from sex. Let’s clear something up: It takes women longer than men to get aroused — in fact, most women take at least 20 minutes to climax. Most women have difficulty coming from sex alone and require some manual or oral stimulation. Porn can also put pressure on women to fake it in bed — not good.

I haven’t brought this all up to scare you into never watching porn again — as I previously stated, porn can be awesome. Instead, I challenge you to give your sex life a boost. Don’t watch porn for an entire month. During this month, focus on sensuality instead of sexuality. If that sounds boring to you, you have no idea what kind of pleasure you’re in for. The following is best done with a partner so you can focus as much as possible, but you can do a simpler version if you’re flying solo too.

Put the figurative boxing gloves down. Grab a partner. Strip them naked and have them lie down in a bed. It’s important to remove as many unnecessary distractions as possible — even entire sensory inputs, like sight. Cover their eyes with a tie or scarf. If you’re really fancy, make them wear earplugs. Just by cutting off sight and sound, their body will already be more sensitive. Now grab something light and soft, preferably a feather.

Begin by devoting some time to often-neglected spots like the ears, armpits, inner elbows and feet. Trail the feather or lightly blow along their limbs, tracing patterns. Watch their skin burst into goose bumps. Revel in the tiny hairs that stand to your attention. When in doubt, be gentle, go slow and tease them. Let their body wake up in your hands. Nibble on their ears, plant tiny kisses on their pelvis, go down on them (gently, slowly! No bobbing for figurative apples!).

Don’t do any one thing for too long. Every move should be a surprise, especially since they can’t see where you’ll touch them next. You’ll know you’re doing it right when they buck their hips up toward you, when a whimper escapes their lips because they just want more. Don’t give it to them just yet.

The fun is in the longing. Pleasure them with your fingers and mouth, taking frequent breaks to tease elsewhere. If they come, cool. If they don’t, cool. Don’t force it, and whatever you do, do not go fast and hard. It completely undoes all the work of getting them in this sensitive, seductive place. Switch places. Repeat. Lie back and enjoy. Have sex if you want. Go slow. Don’t worry about the orgasm.

This isn’t about the end goal but rather the tantalizing journey there. You might be frustrated if you don’t climax or if you just want to resort to the tried-and-true method. But if you keep doing this, keep approaching your sex life with a gentler touch, I promise a feather, some cool air and a teasing tongue will turn you on more than any of that Dirty Sluts XXX stuff.

Contact Elisabeth Bahadori at sex@dailycal.org or follow her on Twitter: @lisabaha.

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One of the things that surprised me most when I came to college was meeting young couples around the area who met in college and are now married with children. For some reason, I’ve always had the impression that marriage was something to worry about after all the studying part of life is done (i.e. after I have the graduation certificate in hand with a job secured), but when I found out that people sitting in my classes could be married, I started to wonder if I should start thinking about marriage earlier on too.

Now, having entered my junior year of college, things are getting real. Some serious couples are starting to form around me (I’m secretly scared they might actually get married), and my parents are sneakily poking at me: “Do you have anyone you’re seeing?” I never have a problem with giving them a straight-up “no,” but the fact that they’re asking such questions doesn’t seem like a good sign. My dad, who has always been the type to tell me to stay away from boys, suddenly declared that he’s expecting me to get married within the next five years. That’s a scary thought indeed.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who started thinking about marriage. It is a topic that sometimes awkwardly finds its way into random conversations with my close friends. I often get pleasantly surprised to find that guys think about marriage too. But even as we talk about marriage among ourselves, there always seems to be a sense of fear — fear of the unknown, the unpredictable, what is to come, probably — that ends our conversations with ellipses.

As a college student myself, I can attest to how much the future stresses students out. It took me a whole year and half to settle on a major, only to realize that it wasn’t quite what I was looking for. Now, as a junior, I’m sitting on needles as I apply to and hear back from companies for summer internships. But marriage is a lot more serious than finding a major and a lot more complicated than applying for jobs. People are much more fragile, fickle and unpredictable than the economy, and a marriage is much more permanent than a career. Plus, you have to be in love with that person, whatever that means.

This is probably how the hookup culture got started. Since it’s too much stress to find that one person to be with “until death do (you) apart,” we find an alternative option that requires little to no responsibility whatsoever. It sure feeds the hormones with quick and noncommittal emotions and sex. It’s also the perfect option for this fast-paced 21st-century lifestyle, in which no one really wants to be too committed to anything, because everyone is committed to so many other things that are just as important.

So, what does marriage mean to those of us who live in the hookup generation?

We are so accustomed to single-use cups, bags, utensils, water bottles, price tags, makeup removers, contact lenses. Some of us don’t even wear our clothes and shoes for more than a few years. We’re obviously getting too used to the idea that we can conveniently throw out things that stop working and get new ones to replace them.

So my question for you, then, is this: Is marriage going out-of-date? I wouldn’t be surprised if 20 years down the road, people just stop getting married and live the hookup lifestyle for the rest of their lives — in fact, it’s already happening in some places.

There’s always that “awww” moment when you see an old couple, each member with white or no hair, who are celebrating their 70th anniversary — you know, those girls who were sitting behind you going “awww” when you were watching the animated movie “Up” in the theatre. “That’s so sweet,” people say. Nope, I’m sure the 70 years of living with each other wasn’t all butterflies, and I’m pretty sure there were more bitter days than sweet ones, as can be seen from my own parents’ celebration of 20 years of marriage a few years ago.

But the fact that they endured through the bitter times together, that they still chose to stick together in trust, that they saw each other mature through their own inhibitions and weaknesses — that’s romantic.

So you can see why I am hesitant about marriages. They are — or at least used to be — associated with a sense of permanence that is unusual in today’s world. But maybe that’s not so scary after all.

Editor’s Note: Sex on Tuesday will return Feb. 12.

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Head researcher Amie Gordon, a sixth-year graduate student pursuing a doctorate in social-personality psychology, conducted three studies to examine the correlation between sleep and gratitude in relationships and found that sleep deprivation is associated with reduced feelings of gratitude toward romantic partners.

According to Gordon, people suffering from a lack of sleep tend to be more self-centered, often leading them to prioritize their own needs over those of their partners. These sleep-deprived individuals feel too tired to express gratitude, leaving their partners feeling unappreciated.

In the three studies, Gordon and her team asked participants how well they slept and how appreciative they felt. The participants were also asked to keep daily diaries over the duration of two weeks to document their sleep patterns and to evaluate how much they appreciated their significant others.

Gordon found that when both partners had good sleeping habits, each felt more grateful toward the other and in turn felt more appreciated by the other in comparison to couples with one or both partners had poor sleeping habits.

“A major cause of breakups is that one or both partners feel like they are being taken for granted,” Gordon said. “Studies have shown that people who appreciate and feel appreciated by their partners are more committed to their relationships and are less likely to break up.”

Emiliana Simon-Thomas, the science director of the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center, explained that gratitude plays an important role not only in romantic relationships but in all types of social interactions because gratitude is an external process that involves focusing one’s attention outward.

According to Simon-Thomas, the ability to focus on things outside of oneself, such as another person’s concerns and expectations, is essential to gratitude, and this ability allows all types of relationships to thrive.

“A lot of people pride themselves on how they can get by on lack of sleep, but they don’t realize the social consequences that poor sleep can have,” Gordon said.

The positive effects of gratitude are not just limited to successful relationships. The expression of gratitude has also been linked to positive mental and physical benefits, which can include fewer headaches and stomachaches, as well as better cardiovascular health.

Gordon said that the results of the study have implications for relationships and parenthood, as well as furthering the understanding of how biological processes can affect emotions. According to Gordon, satisfaction in relationships deteriorates with couples who have newborns because these couples are often sleep-deprived.

She also noted that the link between the biological process of sleep and the ability to express gratitude could be another point of research for how other bodily mechanisms, such as feeling hunger or being cold, can affect emotions.

Pooja Mhatre is the lead research and ideas reporter. Contact her at pmahtre@dailycal.org.

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