Vision Of Eyechart With Glasses

1,738 students check into Tang Eye Center after bout of Berkeley Goggles

Leagues of students have recently checked into Tang Eye Center after realizing that their ability to see clearly has been impaired. Surprisingly, all of these undergraduates have been diagnosed with the same eye disorder — a condition unique to university campuses. Scientists have identified this eye disorder as “Berkeley Goggles.” Berkeley Goggles, once
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Lil_B_Schultz

Amazing UC Berkeley team decodes rap album in record time

On Friday, a UC Berkeley cross-departmental team announced a historic achievement in the field of spoken-word poetry: Using a complicated algorithm, it was able to decode the entirety of a rap album in a matter of three days. Hans Leaf, professor of the campus linguistics department, headed the team of accomplished scholars.
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Anne-Ferguson---Mimes

Mimes’ voices ripple loudly in new musical

“There’s no such thing as not political” is the rather loud mantra of the new show “Ripple Effect,” which played last weekend at Berkeley’s Cedar Rose Park. “Ripple Effect” is a production of the San Francisco Mime Troupe (mime, according to their website, in the sense that they “mimic” contemporary
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Taran

Don’t go to ‘Late Show,’ Colbert!

I live my life by utilizing truthiness as much as I possibly can. Truthiness? What in the barnacle jumpsuits is that, you sexy man? Cool yo’ pits, brobie, it is the term coined by the wise man named Stephen Colbert, and it means you base your opinions and actions on
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‘Semicolons,’ I rest my case

I had never listened to a single song by the Lonely Island until my sophomore year at UC Berkeley — no, not even “I’m on a Boat.” My roommate Gabby was the one to open my eyes — rather, my ears — to the hilarity of the band’s music. After watching a
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Tree

A day in the life of a Stanford Tree

DISCLAIMER!!! This story is purely a work of fiction and satire. 7:12 A.M. The Tree rolls out of bed and proceeds to down seven shots of dry gin in order to obtain its necessary Blood Alcohol Concentration of 0.15. To the Tree, it’s all part of a balanced breakfast. Despite
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Christopher Coulter Columnist

How to spot a heathen

At this present time in the United States, non-religious atheists, agnostics and other non-believers make up over 16 percent of the population, according to Pew Research Center data. This is to say that currently in America, the fourth largest religious tradition is not to adhere to any religious beliefs at
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Christopher Coulter Columnist

Greenlighting the blacklist

Satire

Thanksgiving is upon us once again, and indeed that fact alone is something to be thankful for. I certainly do not have to remind anyone of the gastronomical considerations — but because the holiday is centered on the enjoyment of the mass consumption of delicious food, our first reaction is
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Occupy Cal: preoccupied with nonsense

Satire/Given Insight

The day started out just as any other day — breakfast, a quick glance at my readings and one final scan of my organizer — but the choppers I could hear thudding overhead told me this day would be anything but normal. Sure enough, on that Wednesday morning of Nov.
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Christopher Coulter Columnist

End student brutality — a call to disarm

Satire

Stop the violence. It is time once and for all to put an end to student brutality on the campus of UC Berkeley. In the wake of violent student action against UCPD and Alameda County Sheriff’s Office deputies last Wednesday, we are once again reminded of the dangerous menace the
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