Presidents live on in the public memory for very different reasons. Lincoln is honored as a hero for emancipating the slaves and giving inspiring speeches. FDR is remembered for raising spirits through Fireside Chats and for helping to pull the country out of a depression. And George W. Bush is famous for coining the phrase "war on terror" and for saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me-can't get fooled again."

Have you ever thought about what kind of Bush-isms might come out of him in the bedroom? Of course you haven't, and don't worry, I'm not going to tell you about what Bush might say when he's getting it on-and doesn't have a writer or a suit to make him look slightly more intelligent-but I am going to tell you about my own bedroom Bush-isms.

The upside of having an incredibly blunt and sarcastic personality is that you can say the things that other people normally refrain from saying because of social stigma and/or decency. The downside is that you generally come across as a pretentious, callous elitist.

The snarky wit that accompanies my bluntness can be amusing under the right circumstances, but it's hard to turn off when the situation calls for a little, er, euphemism. Displaced to the bedroom, frankness can have detrimental effects. And it's a lot harder to shed in the bedroom than your panties.

Disclaimer: Extreme awkwardness to follow.

Guy: Really? This doesn't feel good? This always worked with my last girlfriend.

Me: Maybe she was lying … I mean, girls do that all the time. Have you thought about cutting your nails?

Guy: How often do you masturbate?

Me: Not that often, like two times a week. What about you?

Guy: Like four times.

Me: All right, more like six.

Guy: Wow, that was the most unsuccessful sexual encounter I've ever had. I'm sorry I was such a failure.

Me: God, that's the second time someone's told me that. It's really not that hard, I can make myself cum in like two minutes. Here, just watch.

Bush will be remembered for the endless number of Web pages devoted to the mispronounced, misinformed and "misunderestimated" things he's said while in the White House. Hopefully, I won't be remembered for my callous honesty in the bedroom. Sex, like a State of the Union Address, is not the time to be candid. I've learned the hard way.

After one too many awkward bedroom conversations caused by brutal bedroom honesty, I've taken some pointers from porn: Shut up, moan and use a lot of four-letter words.

Tags: SEX, PILLOW TALK