Let’s have the sex talk

Sex on Monday

When I handed my friend a camera and told her my grandma wanted a nice picture of me, she looked through the view finder and said “No, no, don’t try to smile, you look weird. Talk about sex!”

Of course, when looking back at the pictures, I discovered that discussing a man’s penis size makes me look more gleefully evil than happy, but the sentiment was in the right direction.

I view sex as a universal topic. It’s an activity that everyone enjoys, and even if they have never partaken, you can bet they’ve still thought about it. What I really love about the conversation is how much it underscores people’s differences and similarities.

Everyone worries about how they come off to their partner, and making sure the other person is having as much fun as they are (or at least they should).

Men all think they have an average or small penis no matter what they have been told.

You would think that given that women wear a piece of clothing with their cup size on it, they would be a little more size aware. Instead, experts estimate almost 80 percent of women wear the wrong size bra. I am constantly recommending people to go and get properly fitted — the difference is amazing.

What’s also interesting is discovering that generally accepted “universals” really aren’t universal at all. What lingerie to wear for a hot date, Valentine’s Day or any special (sexual) occasion seems a common topic for women.

Talk to most men, and they view lingerie as just a step that gets in the way of naked.

Considering there is a very large industry that doesn’t want females to notice this, it was a pretty surprising realization for me, and a little disappointing too. I like dressing up, and my guaranteed appreciative audience has been ripped away from me countless times by men who, when asked, just shrug and say, “It’s just one more thing to take off.” As one guy described it, lingerie is for when you aren’t planning on having sex. After that, it’s just soft-core girlfriend.

Sometimes, a little too much can be read into underwear. I was once told by a guy that he knew I was out for sex when he saw I was wearing black panties. Put away the color-decoder ring, I did not put that much thought into it. Thankfully, color theory seems to be isolated to him and bad teenage movies.

Collecting stories of people’s sex lives also serves me in one of my goals in life: to be universally good at sex. I want to be able to blow the mind of any and every guy I sleep with — a high bar, but I think it is achievable on some level at least. Instead of countless midnight fumblings with the excuse of research, I simply listen and absorb whatever anyone is willing to tell me about their experiences. The conclusion: no two people are the same.

Still, as a straight woman, I have it pretty easy. At least with men, everything is generally in the same place. Women are vastly different in how nerve endings are distributed. Since men all seem to extol the beauty of a woman’s orgasm, my time spent familiarizing myself with my personal nerve endings, and what exactly I need to come benefits several of my goals for a sexual encounter.

Interestingly enough, blowjobs aren’t nearly as foolproof a move as the men who enjoy them would have me believe. Some guys just aren’t that into it (though I personally believe that some of those guys have only gotten really bad head), and even among men who enjoy it, the same technique doesn’t always apply.

Things can be adjusted if the guy is only willing to give a little feedback (which is why all men need to get comfortable making at least a little noise), and answer a few basic questions along the lines of “do you like it when I …?” Some of them find the willingness to ask the question in the first place hot, so that’s a definite bonus there. But if I’m not expecting him to read my mind, I can’t really be expected to read his.
That’s why one of the universal truths is the need to know yourself and what you like, which needs to be coupled with the second universal truth: the need to communicate.

Communication is definitely vital between sexual partners both before, during and after sex, and I think even between friends so people can get comfortable with the idea that enjoying sex is okay. And as all my friends can tell you, I am definitely ready and willing to communicate your ears off.

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