Unsexy sex tips to know

Sex on Monday

Sex is gloriously disgusting. A wonderfully fun meld of sweat, saliva and sexual fluids, the result is more than a little gross. Looked at from the right angle, sex is down right unsexy. Anyone who has been down in the trenches can tell you: there are some pretty unsavory side effects of sex.

There is nothing quite like an infection to put a damper on your sex life. The more sex you have, the more likely you are to get a urinary tract infection (UTI). The easiest way to prevent it: get up and go to the bathroom after sex. This clears out the bacteria that can get pushed into the urethra. Not sexy to think about, but it keeps the sex-a-thon going.

I’ve never gotten a UTI, but I know enough friends who have to know that I am lucky. Taking a break from cuddling to grab a robe and head to the bathroom is worth it to avoid several extremely miserable days of cranberry juice and a burning sensation.

After sex, however, isn’t the only time to think about cleanliness. If you’ve been walking around all day, sweating in the summer sun, expecting your significant other to get anywhere near your nether regions is a bit of a tall order. A quick clean up with a damp wash cloth or baby wipe makes oral a lot more plausible, and a lot less rank.

In fact, you may just want to grab your partner and start the foreplay in the shower.  It’s a quick path to both clean and turned on.

Though you may still want to have baby wipes around, they are useful for a couple of reasons. If you are introducing lube into things at all, and don’t want to get lube on everything you touch for the entire night, baby wipes can be handy. Personally, I hate having sticky hands. I store my baby wipes and lube together, because for me, you can’t have one without the other. Sticky isn’t sexy.

When you have gotten truly covered in sexual goo, having something on hand to wipe down with before heading to a common bathroom could save a few awkward questions. I may not have a whole lot of shame when it comes to sex, but there are only so many people who need to see me covered in cum.

If you aren’t the only thing that ended up covered in cum after some amazingly dirty sex, waiting until your semesterly laundry day to wash it out of your sheets and clothes will mean you end up with some rather permanent sex stains. Get to it quickly enough, and cum washes out in the normal laundry. Wait a little longer, and a spray and wash should still do it. Let it crust over in the corner, and you have semen stain tie-dye.

After a particularly intense bout of sex or making out, if you find that it looks like you’ve been mauled by a vampire, baby wipes and wash water aren’t going to do much — and really, neither is your normal make up. Something designed to deal with slight variations of skin tone, and the occasional red dot isn’t going to cut it for a giant purple bruise.

To cover up a hickey, you need something with a yellow base to counter act the purple. Get a good, thick liquid foundation and apply carefully just to the hickey, let dry and apply your normal powder makeup to blend.

If you’re a guy with a hickey, suck it up and get some makeup, or sport the popped collar look for a week. Trust me, the makeup will hurt your image less.

The fun thing about hickeys is that how easily you bruise can depend on a lot of things. Like if you are keeping in mind that orgasms help with headaches, so you pop an aspirin and place a booty call, that aspirin can make getting a hickey more likely. Any sort of blood thinner, like aspirin and most pain killers, can make bruises, and thus hickeys, easier to acquire.

I learned this first hand when I traded a tension headache for looking like I was a vampire’s lunch. Luckily, I had a friend with the right kind of makeup, along with a penchant for scarves for all seasons. Summer scarves: a useful fashion statement to have on hand.

Pre-sex fashion has a few pitfalls as well. If you’ve dropped the money on a sexy get up and need to remove some hair to fit the outfit, spring for a new razor. A dull blade is the quickest route to razor burn. Finishing up with cold water can help avoid irritation, too.

If you’ve gone one step further on the path to expensive sex and scheduled a wax, give yourself at least 24 hours between wax and nooky, or you will be sporting sexy negligee accessorized with angry red bumps.

A pre-sex grooming tip that everyone should keep in mind is file your nails. Don’t just cut them, you want to avoid sharp edges.

Though not nearly as fun to think about as the sweaty and passionate bits, it’s the unsexy parts that keep the sex rolling along smoothly.

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