Moving beyond vanilla

Sex on Monday

Every time I go out on a date with someone, I want to skip past the awkward small talk getting-to-know-you phase, and just break out a survey. It would cover the basics of “What are you looking for right now: Casual sex? Commitment?”

But it would also cover the things that you normally don’t find out until several weeks down the road, after it’s too late to easily pull out.

Really just one question: What are you into sexually? Essay response. Or hell, I’ll offer multiple choice as long as I figure out if all our kinks line up.

Unfortunately, that’s not how the world works. Which means that by the time we are letting our deepest, darkest sexual desires out of the closet, the other person’s opinion actually matters.

And just like there isn’t a survey you can hand out on a first date, there isn’t really a script that you can reliably follow if you want to start moving past the basics.

Of course, there are some sure fire ways of botching the discussion. The phrases “We’re having some pretty mediocre sex. We should fix that,” springs to mind.

Not that anything that uncouth has ever slipped out in the aftermath of a rather ho hum orgasm.

But putting the blame on the other person and bringing “boring” into the discussion is a sure fire way to get your partner on the defensive.

There are better ways.

First, both people need to be open-minded. Step one of moving past missionary is to check your knee jerk responses.

Even if you want to say “What the hell?” that’s not the best response to give. Fantasies open up emotional vulnerability, and that has to be respected even if you aren’t immediately into what’s suggested. Who knows, given a little thought, it may lead you toward a new fantasy of your own. Plus, what’s hotter than a partner getting really worked up?

On the other hand, if your partner just isn’t into something, that needs to be respected too. Find your common ground and enjoy that space instead of focusing on what they won’t do.

Once you’ve agreed on what you want to try, take things slow.

Just because you think that there is no reason to be afraid of a little rope and a few whips doesn’t mean that your partner’s right there with you. If you completely freak your partner out on the first go, more likely than not you aren’t getting a second one.

When starting out, take things slow, make sure there are a lot of cuddles afterwards and let the person who is pushing their comfort levels set the pace.

Trust me, you’ll be better off in the long run. Or even in the short term. A partner safe wording out of the scene because they got freaked out is most likely to end in nobody getting laid.

If you want to be swimming in the deep end of the kinky pool and they are just barely ready to dip their toes in, there can be a lot of impatience making you want to just give them a little shove.

But making your partner feel guilty about what they are and are not willing to do not only makes you a bit of an ass, it breaks down one of the major necessities when moving past missionary: a sense of trust and safety.

Kink can open the door to a lot more risks than standard sex, so a little nervousness isn’t unwarranted. Talking things out beforehand can save a lot of emotional angst. Venturing into the unknown with someone else can bring two people closer together, but it can also let a lot of resentment into the relationship if someone feels alone and harried when starting down the path.

Always educate yourself and your partner before trying anything.

There are risks associated with kinky sex, and it is a good idea to know what you are getting into. If the whole host of STDs that can come along with vanilla sex isn’t enough, kink opens up different risks depending on what exactly you want to try.

Anal play without proper cleanliness can lead to a host of different urinary tract and vaginal infections. Improperly tied ropes can lead to loss of blood circulating to the hands, which can cause long term damage if ignored.

If you’re not careful, spanking can cause soreness and bruising that wasn’t signed up for. Different kinks bring along different risk and rewards, and going about things in the safest way possible is the ultimate sign of care for both yourself and your partner.

Kinky sex can add a new dimension to a couple’s sex life and relationship, but it can also become a sore point that just causes resentment. Keeping these facts in mind can help avoid a potentially rocky experience.

Or go the easy route, and next time you have a first date, break out a survey.