So what did this game tell us that we didn’t already know about the Cal football team?
Not that much.
Zach Maynard throws one interception every game, FBS school or not.
Even though it wasn’t until the second quarter that the Bears really blew it open, the outcome was never in doubt.
With not much action going on at one side of the field, and third-string players at the other, I have decided to give an alternate play-by-play of some of the key moments in the game (all times are best estimates).
The first quarter hasn’t even ended yet, but Presbyterian quarterback Ryan Singer has a stat line for the ages: 1-for-4 passing, -1 yards, one interceptions, two sacks. INT, 2 sacks. His QB rating is a paltry -27.1.
The Blue Hose end the first quarter with a grand total of zero yards.
Cal safety Sean Cattouse picks off his second pass of the afternoon. He now has more catches than the entire Presbyterian offense combined.
3: 40 p.m.
The Bears fail to make a first down, forcing Bryan Anger to come onto the field to punt. Cal probably did it on purpose to give its star punter some extra practice.
3: 42 p.m.
Allan Bridgford, Cal’s backup quarterback, begins to warm up. There is about nine minutes remaining in the second quarter, and it seems starting quarterback Zach Maynard will have most of the afternoon off.
Presbyterian blocks Anger’s punt and returns it for a touchdown. The crowd doesn’t seem to notice.
3: 48 p.m.
Presbyterian misses the extra point. Cue the Giorgio Tavecchio jokes.
Bears score another touchdown and make extra point. Cal is up 35-6 now. San Francisco Giants’ fans have never seen numbers this huge on the scoreboard at AT&T Park.
I’m talking about Presbyterian’s 6.
Blue Hose receiver Michael Ruff can’t catch an easy pass, as it falls out of his hands. Had he caught that, it would have
doubled tripled quadrupled Presbyterian’s total yardage.
Following an interception returned for a touchdown, the Blue Hose decide to go for two. Cal defensive lineman Viliami Moala ends up playing defensive back on the play and breaks up the pass. All 350 pounds of him zoom off the field in celebration, spreading his arms like a jet.
Presbyterian completes a pass for the first down. It’s the third quarter, and the pass was the team’s first true first down of the game — the other was from penalties.
Scotty the Scotsman, Presbyterian’s mascot, looks bored in right field. He’s not even watching the game.
Scotty the Scotsman appears to be flirting with the Presbyterian cheerleaders. Then he walks away.
Brock Mansion begins to warm up on the sideline. He overthrows the waterboy playing catch with him.
Mansion completes pass to Quinn Tedford. That sentence will never be written again.
Game ends. I can only hope this matchup becomes a home-and-home series in the future.