DISCLAIMER!!! This story is purely a work of fiction and satire.
Lane Kiffin, the USC football team’s 36-year-old head coach, wakes up early after a long night of work and goes for a jog with his dog. After charging two miles uphill, he yells at the lagging canine to “try harder, damnit!”
Kiffin drops his son off at nursery school and tells the teacher to “text me when you spot a good crawler.” Kiffin then coaxes a three-year old to sign a letter of intent with animal crackers.
Kiffin tries to call his grandmother but accidentally dials the wrong number and ends up talking to a highly touted high school running back from Texas.
Kiffin is spotted at Cedar Sinai Hospital, where he is turned away after requesting to look at the ultrasounds of fetuses with the hope of finding the next great USC Trojan quarterback.
Kiffin’s phone rings. It’s Lilly Wyles, who Kiffin is meeting for lunch. “Is it cool if I bring a friend?” he asks Kiffin.
In preparation for a recruiting trip in South Carolina, Kiffin calls Gamecocks wide receiver Alshon Jeffery and asks where he can find the cheapest local gas station.
Lane Kiffin enters his father Monte’s office, who fell asleep watching “Murder, She Wrote” instead of studying game film on Cal.
Kiffin turns on an Al Davis tribute special and cries at the television: “My name is Lane! Not Lance! NOT LANCE!”
Kiffin pulls a mirror out of his desk drawer and a comb out of his pocket, and combs his hair.
Wanting to give back to his community, Kiffin agrees to help coach a local youth football team. However, he quits halfway through the first practice, claiming to have found a better opportunity elsewhere.
Kiffin, while attending a USC Boosters function, studies peoples’ facial expressions, noting which ones can make a person look smug. He then goes home and stares at himself in the mirror for an hour, trying to perfect that look.
Kiffin holds a press conference in his living room, accusing his kids of cheating in their family Monopoly game last night after they served him a resounding defeat.
Kiffin plays NCAA Football 2012 on his Xbox, but quits after his dynasty team puts itself on probation for recruiting violations.
Lane Kiffin falls asleep in his office chair after finishing his fifth consecutive episode of “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making The Team.”
Kiffin calls a Florida recruit to discuss their love of Fruity Pebbles. He cracks his one allowed smile of the day staring into his cereal bowl.
Kiffin wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after having a nightmare about an evil football coach breaking the rules, leaving that job in a state of disarray and finding the most gullible replacement he could to take over said job. Kiffin goes back to sleep, convincing himself it was just a dream.