The Berkeley family jewels

Anyone who has read much of this column is no stranger to the constructive personal mantras I try to promote each week, including so far, self realization, personal enlightenment and, of course, beauty tips. But today I want to expand from a personal focus to include our whole community — the UC Berkeley community. It is with these high hopes for improving human institutions and humanity that I introduce to you my next offering at the Berkeley altar of social change which so many of us seem to yearn for: condoms.

Now to clarify, I am not here to repeat to you the oft-recited dangers of an untethered rooster in a dirty hen house, nor is it my focus to remind us all of the heartache, inherent duty and moral hazard of Prego-sauce left too long in the oven. But the point I do wish to make to you, UC Berkeley, is that we are too valuable to the future of the world to spend the first couple decades of our post-graduate years with even one picosecond of distraction. This means that if you order your steamy octopus with some special family sauce, it needs to be on the side and neatly contained. There are breakthroughs to be had, efficiencies to be met, minds to change and worlds to heal — none of which will ever happen if we take our eyes off the ball and forget to point it somewhere the boys can’t swim. You can’t fuse atoms while your under-nurtured family feuds, and you can’t stabilize the world’s economic system after meiosis has taken hold of your reproductive system.

But here is where my message takes a U-turn: After your research is well under way (perhaps facilitated by the future’s poorer and even less subsidized versions of your current self) by all means — go crazy. Breed. Procreate those valuable genes aplenty.

Actually, breed really is the correct word.

The kind of potential Berkeley contains must be propagated – it must be perpetuated. Hey Berkeley, you know you’ve thought it: “Why do people have to be so stupid?”

Well, don’t just stand, picket and shout about it — do something! Do what is logical with your future self and spread that seed, dilute the corrosive stupidity you despise and help the human race be all we can be. And I’m not just talking about unabashed promiscuity here everyone, I’m thinking about the next level: I’m talking supply side — let’s flood the market.

Ladies, those gleaming Berkeleyan eggs are just standing in line waiting, and they go for about $10,000 a pop, not to mention the true bonus and intended purpose of sending a few more shining stars earthbound.

Men, the contract is less lucrative, but the bonus is still promising — and you do know about the excellent reading material. In fact, I would like to qualify my “bag it while you tag it” mantra by extending this philosophy to our present day selves — we may be busy at work, but that doesn’t mean our microscopic wonders can’t get busy somewhere else.

So send your pedigreed cells packing and let them have a go at our underachieving gene pool — after all, what Berkeley student can waste their 20s and 30s with the “priceless” rewards of a blossoming family when it is our civic duty to fix the world? Greatness carries its own burden, and we know it! A healthy ego is a well-fed ego — don’t let state universities tell you otherwise.

With our responsibility to the gene pool understood, it’s no wonder that here at UC Berkeley we proclaim our entitlement to smug leadership with cold, disappointed glares and shoulders turned from the straggling civilians we are unfortunate enough to cross paths with in the regular world. Heck, we aren’t even sold on those kids from across campus, who toil away in their expensive labs, or waste all their time reading. But a little conceit is OK because we make up for it in the warm, inviting atmosphere before lecture. That silence while waiting in the hall is a friendly silence, and it comes in handy when you are trying to avoid baby-making on a personal level.

There is an attitude here, a certain air of conceit to this place — just ask someone from “the city” or your out-of-town friend who tours the campus and neighborhood drinking establishments. Don’t mess with my friend, she’s from Berkeley!

Yeah, Berkeley does take itself seriously.

But they’ll never get it, UC Berkeley is some serious shit.

If it’s so serious here that the extra burden of looking down upon the less prodigiously educated comes naturally, then so be it. If those kids from across campus fall into that category, it’s just another reason to keep our intellectual guards up. Before we can let the rest of the world hold us in prestigious esteem, we must hold ourselves in that highest regard.

It is in this sense that the call for a Berkeleyan gene propagation flourishes: prestige begets prestige. Once the ego-driven euphoria subsides, when the time comes, don’t forget to dilute that rotten egg the world has laid with some of our golden ones.