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Did I just have sex?

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NOVEMBER 16, 2011

While browsing a blog, I found an interesting post in which the author re-examined the definition of “having sex.” In part of the piece, she recounted how she struggled with defining her first attempt at losing her virginity and whether or not it counted as sex (she didn’t actually have vaginal intercourse). She also concluded that the definition of having sex is really a personal one.

This really made me think about both the definition of losing one’s virginity, as well as how we count whom we’ve hooked up with (whatever that means) and whom we’ve “had sex with.”

I’m sure we all know those girls who are still virgins yet do a variety of other things with guys they “hook up” with (this can apply to guys too, and I’m absolutely not saying that there is anything wrong with that choice for either). However, this seems to mean that for them, sex is defined as penis-in-vagina (thank you blog author for this term). For whatever reason, they’ve decided to save that for a certain circumstance, so until p-i-v happens, no sex has happened, and no virginity has been lost.

But then I wonder: Does that definition only apply sometimes? As the author explained, she sometimes “has sex” without p-i-v. And what about “lesbian sex”? Are lesbians who’ve never had intercourse with dudes considered virgins? What about gay guys: is the absence of a vagina making it not-sex? So yeah, I would say that defining “having sex” is not that black and white.

Maybe the definition changes as someone’s sex life evolves. Only p-i-v counts in the cherry-poppin’ context, but it changes thereafter. Maybe it changes with the context of the encounter: it only counts in casual sex is “sex” if there is p-i-v, while in a relationship type situation, anything you want to count, counts.

Maybe, it depends on the outcome. If orgasm(s) are involved, then it is “having sex.” If not, “fooling around,” or the ambiguous “hooking up” may be better terms for what happened. Or, maybe it depends on what you were craving for or wanted in order to be “satisfied.” If oral (or whatever) left you content about you encounter, then that was “sex.” If you were craving a nice strong penis inside of you (or a warm vagina to put yours in), then that’s when you’ll call it “sex.”

So I guess, however you want to define it, it really is up to you at each time and place. Whatever makes you feel better (or comfortable, or happy) about the stuff you just did with that person (sig fig or random person you met at that party), go with it. It’s all pretty fun anyway, right?

Contact Kia Kokalitcheva at 


NOVEMBER 16, 2011