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Some clearer thoughts on superficiailty

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NOVEMBER 20, 2011

I don’t normally do this because, frankly, I don’t care enough to, but I really would like to clarify something. Recently, I wrote a piece about superficiality in the world of casual sex, and included a personal anecdote. Unfortunately, I’ve realized, after a friend told me about some his teammates’ reaction to my post, that I was really misunderstood.

In the anecdote I featured, I told a guy I was hooking up with that his endowment just wasn’t going to cut it for me. In my newly-single, incredibly sexually frustrated, drunk mind, saying what I thought seemed like a legitimate reaction. But my normal self knows it’s not.

So here is the first thing I want to clarify: I did not, and do not condone making other people feel bad about their bodies. Whatever my other opinions on sex and especially casual sex are, it is an encounter of high vulnerability, and making someone else feel bad about their body is cruel. I’m more than fully aware of that, and I believe I attempted to express that in my original post.

The next thing I would like to clarify is the real point and argument of my post. Contrary to what a lot of people seemed to have focused on, telling a guy that his equipment was too small for me, is not it. Nor was I trying to say that he is universally “inadequate” for any girl. Those happened to be my personal preferences. This also just happened to be the anecdote I used, as well as the incident that got me thinking about superficiality in this context. And that is the real point of my post.

Believe me, as a girl (and therefore lifelong insecurities holder), this was a topic I long thought about. My thoughts and conclusions were a result of much pondering and were not hastily made. And so I still maintain that given the superficial nature of casual sex, we cannot expect anything else from participants. Whether this is right or wrong on a philosophical level is a whole other question, and not one I can or want to answer. This is just what I found to be a reality of our world of hookups.

I would also like to point out that guys absolutely do this too. Luckily for them, they get to size us up from even across the room and mentally discard us for superficial reasons (our boobs aren’t big enough, we don’t have supermodel figures, our face looks funny, etc.) before anything has really happened. I’m not saying that two wrongs make it right, but it is a two-way street, and a reality of gender interactions in this context.

So there you have it. I hope that this has clarified and smoothed out some perceptions of what I tried to express. If not, then at least I tried.

Contact Kia Kokalitcheva at 


NOVEMBER 20, 2011