A gentleman’s guide to sex

Off the Beat: Sex on Tuesday

It is oft said, by those of reputable esteem, that the way to a woman’s heart is through keen endeavors of charitable kindness. A gentleman of fine standing will, if he has been guided properly, display his affections in a manner befitting the occasion. Bouquets of flowers will be sent, letters will be exchanged and, if a young lady be lucky enough, this strapping beau will stroke her sweet kitty. But not in this modern and most vulgar of ages! Men on the streets today — those unpardonable cads with money to burn and prostitutes to procure — have no appreciation for the subtleties of seduction.

Women are delicate and complex contraptions. Like the Eiffel Tower, they exude elegance as well as efficiency. Like the aqueducts of Rome, their function is to ease stress from life while retaining water. And, like that famous horse of Troy, they utilize deceit when others turn to brute force. But, like those marvelous models of mechanical achievement, women too require a bit of work and some elbow grease once in a while.

In order to impress a young lady, many steps must be considered. Step, the first: appearance. When wooing a woman, you must pay heed to that first blush of impressions. After all, it was Romeo’s first gaze upon Juliet that set the wheels of fate in motion. And that relationship, built purely on ephemeral attraction, is the basis for all contemporary couplings. Only Romeo didn’t have access to the fine haberdasheries of our modern age that are guaranteed to get the fire burning within the cockles of every lady’s heart.

To begin, you will need two (three, for good measure) immigrant children. Ideally, they need to be unfed, as this will expedite their work ethic. These will be your assistants in the dressing process. Next, you will need vestments of the highest quality. Preferably, these will be fashioned from oak-tanned bear hides stolen by Otto von Bismarck during the Crimean War. It is noteworthy to remember that the senses of the fairer sex are heightened to their fullest when the aromas of Russian bearskins permeate the air.

When your blouse, vest, waistcoat, jacket and cravat are in place, you may begin to notice a rush of cool air around your nether regions. This is due to your absence of pantaloons. Don’t fret, young sir! Many men your age make this folly, though it is no fault of their own. Trousers are an ornamental hindrance in the action of amorous play. Nay! Instead, focus on your head. A lady’s eye is naturally drawn upwards as a result of a life spent cloud-chasing. So, some calculated planning will be required. For amateurs, a gutted turkey tends to do the trick. But seeing as it is the plumage of fowl that truly stimulates a woman, a mature, male peacock is the ticket for more ambitious fellows.

Well, the most difficult portion is completed. The paramount importance of dress shan’t be overlooked. In these dark and barbaric days, men are too frequently concerned with the alchemy of alcohol and the wiles of wenches to remember these critical guides. Today, male youths express themselves not with the comportment of a gentleman but rather with all the elegance of a deformed hyena. Instead, after your dressing assistants have been retired to the dungeon, make haste to the nearest place of burial.

Now, use your mental faculties to recall your lady’s current lover. If you have chosen a proper woman, there is no doubt her charms have already entranced another man. To solve this prickly predicament, all that need be done is a simple series of steps. One, invite said gentleman to a secluded area. Two, behead said rival. And three, douse the bodily remains with three quarter-tons of quicklime — a product handy for many such occasions. Speed of decomposition may vary according to size, but the result should be the same: a perfectly preserved human skull.

Seduction of your choice lady is practically complete. Scout out your lover’s window. Follow her daily routine. Make certain that she is gone for a period of 10 to 15 minutes, during which time you shall make your move. Warning! If there be an unaccounted visitor, make use of your quicklime reserves. If not, continue to her bed. Place the remains ever so softly on her pillow and await her arrival within the nearest closet. When she hath made re-entry to the room, do not prematurely ejaculate from said closet! Remember the virtue of patience. The process is very nearly finished as she approaches the bed.

The lady will scream. And this is your cue, good sir! Wrench the woman from her perilous troubles and soothe her fevered mind with carnal relations. Congratulations! She’s yours! And if rejection (though rare) does ensue, remember quicklime!