Sex on campus: actually doable?

“Aw, man, you gotta fuck in Main Stacks for sure.”

“Classrooms in Le Conte give you so much to work with.”

“Eucalyptus Grove is a must.”

Sex on campus. It’s the ultimate bucket list for adventurous and horny souls. Not only does it make for an awesome college story for years to come, but it sets off the adrenaline rush that places the sexual experience on a whole other level compared with the bedroom.

But real talk, how actually feasible and enjoyable is it to fuck on campus?

For me, it is the most nerve-wracking experience ever, especially if it is a scheduled meet-up and I’m incredibly sober. “Meet me in Main Stacks. 10 p.m. at the call number PS3523.A7225 P37 2007. The book will be covering my crotch.”

Receiving this text sent a wildfire of nerves through my body. It was only 2 p.m. in the afternoon and every possible thing that could go wrong was flashing in my mind. First, what do I wear? How can I dress like a normal student going into the library to study, but still have it be sexy and easily removable? And at 10 o’clock? What if I’m late? He’ll just be standing naked there with a book over his crotch, nervously waiting for my arrival! What if he’s late? What if I have trouble finding the call number (who actually uses library books anymore anyway)? What if people start rolling the book shelves and we get crushed? And God forbid, what if we don’t get to finish before we get caught?

I can’t think of a better way to kill the mood than getting a text like that. Every romantic notion and suave sexiness goes down the drain for the price of adventure. The entire time you’re lying against the bookshelf, wondering which Langston Hughes poetry book is digging into your lower back, you’re twitching in fear as footsteps come near. The sex itself is a constant stopping and starting, looking around with wild squirrel eyes at every sound. It is definitely not like the movies, in which it is hot and sexy. And worst part of all, you have to be quiet. Where’s the fun in that?

Amrita Kulkarni, a third year, counters my opinion by saying that the whole point of having sex on campus is the risk involved. It makes for a thrilling experience. Having sex on a bed is overdone and bland. And sometimes, because roommates are bound to be in their rooms, having sex on campus is much more convenient. “My advice is, do your research on areas that need key-card access, and date a guy with parkour skills, then having sex on campus is simple,” Kulkarni shared.

“It’s especially great to have sex in buildings in which you have your most intolerable classes. For example, Le Conte. At least the next time you return to attend a physics class, you’ll know you’ve had your fair share of fun in it,” she continued.

“You gotta have a plan. How to get in, where to go, and of course the later in the night it is, the more options appear. Plan out an escape route and try to do things that require the least amount of clothing removal,” advises former Daily Cal employee Byron Atashian, “but overall, all these precautions are worth the thrill of possibly getting caught.”

In the end, we all agree that having these sex excursions happen spontaneously is the best way to go. There’s no time to think about all the possible consequences, and when you’re horny as fuck, who cares if you get caught? Just get it in already.