A lesson in lady-pleasing

Sex on Tuesday

Dear dude population: When it comes to going down south, please get it right. I’m not kidding. Not only are we still dealing with too many of you thinking that you’re totally entitled to your beloved BJs yet don’t have to oblige us, but even when you do, it’s often a disappointing, if not cringeworthy, experience.

Now, I’m sure many of you are thinking, “What’s the big fucking deal?!” Well, for one, I’m sure that you really wouldn’t be happy if every time your dick was in a girl’s mouth, your biggest wish at that moment was to get it out of there ASAP. Yeah, welcome to our world.

But another super important reason why it is a big fucking deal is that for some of us, that’s our only ticket to the big O.

Yep, you read that right. In case you missed my deeply-buried-inthe-interwebs spiel from last semester about faking orgasms, let me repeat some really important stats. The fact of the matter is that only about a third of us have vaginal orgasms almost every time, a third of us do sometimes and a third of us never do that way.

Now, imagine only finishing part of the time — or worse: never. Scary and sad, huh?

Nevertheless, I bet you’re still thinking the usual: You don’t have the same parts as us, you don’t know how they work or feel, we all have our unique preferences down there, blah, blah, blah.

Get over yourself.

Now, pay attention.

Ever heard of saliva? Good, because you should use it. The whole time. I mean, you like your blowjobs all nice and wet, right? OK, then apply the same policy to us. I still have no idea why some of you forget to keep the lubrication happening down there. It just feels like you’re rubbing us with a terry cloth or something. Definitely not the yummy feeling we’re looking for.

Plus, I bet that Sahara effect is not making this endeavor any easier for you. Let’s apply some physics here — all that friction has got to be slowing down your tongue’s up-anddown, side-to-side, circular, figureeight or whatever other motions you’ve come up with. No wonder you complain about how hard and strenuous it is. So do yourself a favor and go ahead and slobber all over it (reasonably, of course).

And speaking of tongue acrobatics: calm the fuck down. I don’t know what kind of Cirque du Soleil show you’re trying to put on down there, but my clit and vagina are not the stage for that. Save that for your next ice cream cone — I bet the ice cream won’t complain like I will. It’s so distracting when you’re doing all that crazy stuff down there and I would like to focus on crossing the finish line. Again, imagine if I was all over your dick like an enraged animal. Not such a great idea now, is it?

Oh, and of course that do-the-alphabet-with-your-tongue tip you’ve probably read in a silly men’s magazine or heard from your roommate is complete nonsense. It’s not going to do anything except help you lose points in my book.

And here’s another way to put this into perspective for you. When you jack off, what do you do: a bunch of different “cool” moves on your dick that you switch up every two seconds or the same perfect back-and-forth motion that ends in elation every single time? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So what makes you think we are different?!

Just try some different directions and motions, pay attention to her reactions and stick with the few that get the best response.

Oh, and go at it with a medium pressure (or again, whatever gets you the best reaction). In case you haven’t noticed, it’s a gentle area down there, so you don’t need to assault it.

As for your fingers, I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re dealing with a chick who’s blessed with a G-spot you can easily make sing with your fingers, take it easy with that too. It’s nice that you’re using your digits, and I’m def appreciating it, but less is more. The clitoral nerves actually extend all the way inside, so your fingers are there to give us a nice feeling of fullness, not much else. Mind-blowing, right?

And lastly, please commit to this. You can’t half-ass this. It’s probably going to take a while (depending on how turned on I already am and how much you’ve perfected your technique), so you better be in for the long haul. Don’t complain, remind yourself of how awesome it’s going to be once you’ve brought me to the point of ecstasy, put your mouth on there and go for it. Just freakin’ commit.

Now, I know that some ladies out there may disagree, and some fellas are going to chalk this up to an angry girl rant, and that’s OK. To each his own. Ladies, feel free to want something completely different. Just make sure you communicate what you want. And dudes, if you think you’ve got this down already, then I applaud you!