Echinoderms not allowed

Sex on Tuesday

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I like to think that sex is supposed to be fun. For everyone. I mean, there is a reason why there is a multimillion dollar industry built around it, and prostitution is “the oldest profession.” People enjoy sex, a lot. But there is a group out there that does not seem to have gotten that memo.

During a morning-after conversation a few months ago, the naked fellow next to me mentioned his lack of understanding of certain passionless girls he and his friends had encountered in the bedroom. He called them starfish. You know, those girls that lie there, like an immobile five-point star.

Like a starfish.

And they also usually have an “O” face that remains unchanged the whole entire time. I don’t mean “O” as in orgasm but as in OMG, except they never got to the em and gee — he made sure to point out the difference.

And so they lie there, not moving or making a sound, looking surprised in a hopefully positive way.

“They’re just there. I almost feel like I’m having sex with a corpse or something,” he said to me, with a confused yet somewhat outraged look on his face. Starfish were not OK in his book, and I definitely then took a second to remind myself of the previous night’s session to make sure he wasn’t trying to subtly indicate something to me. Luckily for me, he wasn’t.

Now ladies, I am writing about you starfish out there because you are not doing your male bedroom partner a favor, nor are you doing yourself one. Guys are weirded out by that. Humans move and react to things, such as, say … sex. It’s reassuring to them when the girl they’re screwing is responding and playing along.

I mean, you don’t have to give some porn-status dramatic display, complete with neighbor-waking screams while waving your arms and legs so violently that he gets scared of being punched. But at least do SOMETHING. Anything. Some natural breathing with the gentle undulation of your body to the rhythm of your passion — or even just caressing his body with your hands if you’re a bit shy — will suffice. He is not looking for a brawl, just a sign that you’re still alive.

This brings me to the other side of this issue, which is the starfish — I mean girl — herself.

Are you actually enjoying this? You don’t really seem to be. As far as he sees it, what he and his dick are doing have absolutely no effect on you — none, since you have not moved at all whatsoever. He might as well not exert all this energy and go watch TV instead.

I also have to mention that if the sex really is bad, please, please, please tell him. You deserve good sex, and if it sucks, tell him to fix it.

My experiences have shown that majorly selfish assholes aside, dudes will pretty much do whatever makes you happy in bed and usually welcome your directions with open arms. Now go tell ‘em how you really want it, and have a damn good time!

However, if that’s not the problem, then my next question is this: Why are you having sex with him, or any other dude for that matter? If you are not on a mission to have a great time with the naked guy currently ripping your clothes off so he can get to your sexy body as soon as humanly possible, then why are you there?

If that deliciously warm and heavenly feeling of his member inside you is not your number-one goal right now, then why are you even bothering with this? I hope that you are not engaging in this just to make him “like you” — believe me when I tell you that it doesn’t work that way.

I also hope you don’t feel obligated to do this because he did you the oh-so-great favor of serving you some of the wine he got on a sale at BevMo or made his pledge track down one of the handles of plastic vodka floating around the house tonight.

Sex is not just for him to get off — it’s for you too. It’s OK for you to enjoy it. Actually, he wants you to enjoy it — it’s pretty much his whole goal.

So if you are guilty of behaving like a five-pointed sea animal in bed instead of a hot-blooded woman, please try to remember all of this. I know some of you may be shy or don’t want to seem silly in bed, so start with something simple next time.

Spend more time on foreplay so you’ll be really into it by the time you get to the big event. Let yourself actually breathe and softly moan, or wrap your arms around him (no death grip though). Even take a sip or two of that discounted wine or plastic vodka to help you let loose. The possibilities are endless! But for the love of sex, do not just lie there.

You’re weirding him out.