Saddling up for “shark week”

Sex on Tuesday

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“Ew, no! That’s sooooo gross!” Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s probably the response you’ve been given, or have given, to the suggestion of period sex.

Actually, that’s also the response that one of the advice columnists of a certain Southwestern college newspaper gave to a reader wondering if she should suggest it to her boyfriend. I’ve long considered writing a column on this topic and though I’ve so far discarded it with the old, “Oh, I’ll do it another week,” it is now clear that I should put down a few of my personal thoughts about this.

Like many of my fellow ladies, I’ve encountered my fair share of dudes who are simply repulsed by the idea of having sex with a chick while she’s on her period. In fact, one or two can’t even bear to hear the word “period” mentioned — I thought I had left middle school almost a decade ago. While I do understand the fact that it can be a little messy — after all, I’ve personally had a period every month for the past decade — I still don’t get why guys don’t just get over themselves, grow up and do both themselves and us a favor.

Women have menstrual cycles, and that’s not changing anytime soon. Furthermore, I really think that if you’re planning on hooking up with chicks for the rest of your life, you should stop acting like what happens to our bodies every month is weird, shameful, absolutely repulsive and something that should be ignored. It’s called biology — deal with it.

I also want to point out that it’s really not helping us feel comfortable about the relationship between our bodies and you. If you can’t even be at ease with an aspect of our body over which we don’t have control, how are we supposed to feel about things men believe we are able to control (i.e., shape, size, weight, etc.)? As if we didn’t have enough body insecurities already.

Our mental health aside, there’s another important result from your inability to be grown up about this: forgoing sex a quarter of the time. Yep, in case you haven’t realized, refusing to have period sex means that every month, for a week, you will not be getting laid. OK, I realize that this mostly applies to those in exclusive arrangements and that if you have more than one option, odds are that all your fuck buddies won’t be having “shark week” at the same time.

But then again, maybe you really want to screw that one particular girl right now. Or the other ones are not available. Or whatever other obstacle the sex gods have put on your path to blissful explosion.

This “no sex 25 percent of the time” is not sounding so great now, is it?

Oh, and did I mention that we usually also get hornier during that time of the month? That’s right, we hit a point at which we just want to fuck you (a lot), and trust me, you should take advantage of that — especially if your lady friend is normally tamer on that front.

So why don’t you just look at it for what it really is: a natural bodily fluid. It’s really not a big deal — you don’t freak out when you cut yourself shaving and a little blood appears, do you?

Now, I understand that it can get a little messy, but there are a couple things you can do about that. First, putting down a towel over the area of impending action is always a good way to go — I always do, at least. Towels are easy to wash, and you can just toss it in your hamper when you’re done instead of going through the ordeal of taking your sheets off your bed, putting clean ones in their place and all that work. Sure, it can be argued that, as the other half of that column pointed out, “it definitely detracts from romance.” But then again, I doubt anyone would be having period sex with a person with whom the romance would be “ruined” if they took a one-minute towel-grab pause. That’s just my guess.

Shower sex is, of course, another obvious solution to the problem.

Also, fellas, if you’re still not 100 percent cool with the idea of blood smeared all over your friend down there, condoms should help remedy that. It’s like giving him a little rubber poncho to keep him safe and clean. Oh, and I should probably also mention that the girls-can’t-get-pregnant-on-their-period myth is exactly that — a myth.

True, proper use of birth control pills offers protection in this case, but otherwise, it is absolutely possible to get pregnant if you’re having unprotected sex.

Actually, if you ask me, you should always use condoms — but that’s a whole other discussion.

So while the advice column I mentioned may turn out to be a satirical take on this topic (the multiple biblical references and hints of sarcasm could be clues), I’m hoping my column will convince at least some of you out there to give it a shot — come on, how could it not be a win-win?!