Maybe it’s an occupational hazard or maybe I just have a never-ending fascination with whatever new or rehashed and complicated hip-hop dance that my white-self will struggle to pull off without looking awkward, only to become marginally good at it once the new dance has arrived.
Now, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that just about everyone reading this knows who Soulja Boy is and that you people have heard his double-uranium selling single “Crank That (Soulja Boy).” And I’m going to go even farther out on that limb, minding the figurative bird nests and squirrels of course, and say that most of you have ‘cranked that.’
But the real question is, have you done the “Stanky Leg”? Have you done the Ricky Bobby? Have you jerked? The answer to the last one should be a double-yes, but I’ll stop there. Anyway, if you don’t know about the GS Boyz, B-Hamp, or the New Boyz, then you probably don’t surf Youtube for an inordinate amount of time, check WorldStarHipHop at 3 a.m. so stoned you forgot you were on the Internet , or keep your ear to the streets. Note: Actually putting your ear to the concrete is not advised.
So, since it’s the summer and you’re likely to be headed out to a party or two, to a bar or twenty, to a club or fifty you won’t remember until you decide to write that angst-ridden, drug-laden, package of ennui drenched in alcohol that is your first novel—I’m looking at you Mr. Ellis—it’s a good time to bone up on the newer, and newest of hip-hop dances, especially if you’re planning on boning. No one likes a wall flower—unless you can smoke it (I want residuals).
To start off, if you don’t know how to “Dougie,” you one, are extremely late, two, will definitely be out of place at your summertime function of choice, and three, will not have any “bitches [loving you].” Unfortunately, the lyrics will not teach you how to Dougie, but the link above might prove useful so…click that shit.
Next, if you don’t fancy yourself an underwater sponge steadily “stacking crabby patties” with a hetero-lifemate in the form pink star then you probably haven’t done your daily “Cat Daddy” lately. And more importantly, you’ve missed out on a ton of hilarious hip-hop quotables that should be added to your lexicon as soon as you stop chuckling (“Smokin’ Wyclef Kush/Now ‘I’m Gone Til November'” or “You heard of Too $hort/I’m too long”).
Finally, in the interest of keeping you up to date—I am by no means the authority on this subject and have probably made an egregious error by leaving out some dance, as another dozen have probably been uploaded to Youtube as I write—it is time to “Slow Down.” That’s right. The new dance that you’ll be doing this summer while double-fisting two flimsy red cups and trying to maintain your equilibrium and remain master of your medulla oblongata is a ‘dark and ominous’ slapper by Priceless Da Roc, DJ J 12, and Maccey—three cats from the Bay Area with enough bass to keep your head nodding and enough rhymes to keep you more or less half-listening. Check it out below and make sure you “Slow Down” this summer as you make like Raoul Duke with your suitcase full of mind-expanding, mind-warping nonsense and head for the desert in your bright red Caddy: