How does it work: A guide to lesbian sex

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“So, lesbian sex … how does it work?” It’s a question I’ve encountered more than once. In fact, if I got laid every time someone inquired as to how it is I get laid, I’d be on par with Shane McCutcheon. The answer is so simple, but being asked certainly doesn’t annoy me as much as it humors me. Since there is genuine curiosity, I’d like to clear up some of the confusion with a semi-educational piece on what lesbian sex really entails.
Here’s what lesbian sex doesn’t involve: penises, pregnancy scares and birth control (though there is STD protection, but that’s its only purpose).

Since the latter two require the presence of the first, you could say all we nixed was the dick.

And I hate to say it, guys, but nine times out of 10 it doesn’t involve two busty blondes in heavy makeup playing penis-envy with a giant double dildo. The pornos have been lying to you — those girls are usually straight, and they’re probably faking it. Most lesbians don’t even get off on it, so that should tell you something about its intended audience. And no, you can’t “help out.”

Now why would I choose to share what lesbian sex isn’t rather than what it is? If I were to describe every potential lesbian position, addition or transition, we’d be here all day. The most common misconception that I’ve encountered is that lesbians need dildos. You could just as easily find two lesbians with a reservoir of toys that documents the history of Good Vibrations’ inventory as you could a couple who has never considered anatomical additions. Bedroom preference varies by person, not so much by gender, and each girl brings her own proclivities to the sheets. Some of the craziest sexcapades I’ve heard of involve straight couples, and I’ve met lesbians with views on sex that are so conservative I’d have more fun staring at a wall — or the ceiling, to be more precise.

So in responding to a question with another question, I ask you: Why is everyone so into just getting it in, and why does the word “sex” necessitate male anatomy? It’s as if everyone forgets about the other bases to touch, barely even tapping them in the sprint to slide crotch-first into home plate. There’s a reason softball is the stereotypical lesbian sport — we know how to take care of first, second and third base. (Disclaimer: I’ve never played softball. My first time swinging a bat was this past January, and I’m convinced my girlfriend was being sarcastic when she said I was a natural.)

I’m biased, but if getting filled is what fulfills your needs, any object of desired length and diameter is going to get the job done. Maybe it’s the burning desire to have a powerful man lying on top of you like a testosterone-fueled jackhammer. I’ve seen the attraction, but most guys I’ve been with had no idea what they were doing on second and third base. All they had sight of was a home run. I’m sorry, boys, but none of you could get me there. But, hey, some girls couldn’t either. This is the point I’m getting at: Sexual skill doesn’t depend on a tool.

So for us girls who do girls, what is a home run? What’s our goal in sex? It could be a number of things: a body-numbing orgasm, emotional closeness, the feeling of being wanted and appreciated. These things aren’t restricted to lesbians; we girl-on-girl fans get up to (down to?) everything you heteros do. We do the stereotypical straight hit it, pass out, quit it with no morning-after pill and all the walk-of-shame embarrassment. We do the equally stereotypical lesbian hit-it move in with it and get a cat. We have all kinds of positions and toys, but so do you. These additions are no more a necessity for lesbians as they are for straight couples. Lesbian sex doesn’t depend on substitutions.

As a vegan bisexual in a lesbian relationship, I’m used to questions like these. Instead of annoyances, I see them as opportunities to change perspectives. Don’t think about what is being taken away, but instead think of what can be added. Define what sex means to you. It’s all about desire and what you’re attracted to, be it traditional or kinky, quiet or loud, gentle or rough. Once you find that mutual attraction with someone, that spark that everyone is searching for, the possibilities are endless for heteros, homos and everyone in between.