Sure, Twitter is a great place to browse through headlines, stay up to date on important news and disseminate revolutionary ideas. But we at the Clog think that a home page full of news sources alone can be quite depressing. What you just read might be the ultimate first-world problem. Nonetheless, at the end of a long, hard day, we think everyone deserves a good, hearty Twitter-induced laugh. Here are three Twitter accounts that we guarantee will make you “LOL” or at the VERY least will make you chuckle quietly in your own head. We also felt the need to convey who these Tweeters would be if they were related to you, because unlike Facebook, Twitter is just one big happy neurotic family (join us!).
1) Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw
How they describe themselves: “the Garbage Pail Kids version of Zooey Deschanel”
How we describe them: Mary Charlene is pretty much the epitome of wit in 140 characters or less. Seriously, this chick is sharp. Very personal and ranging from slightly to extremely inappropriate, Mary Charlene’s self-deprecating, biting humor makes you feel loads better about your own shortcomings. Contrary to her account description, if life were some sort of game in which you could choose people to be on “your team,” we’d hands down take Ms. Enid Coleslaw over Ms. Zooey Deschanel any day.
Who they would be if they were related to you: Your cousin, well on her way to becoming a cat lady who dresses her cats up in celebrity outfits, but they’re so accurate and hilarious that you don’t even feel bad for her
“An Abercrombie greeter smiled at me and I didn’t know what to do so I threw my Jamba Juice at him”
“My resume is just a photo of me eating a meatball sub on the hood of a Camaro”
“The Virgin Mary was actually impregnated by Nick Cave’s voice”
2) Tilda Swinton @NotTildaSwinton
How they describe themselves: “A collection of universal energy. Mother of a bat, Theremiah Swinton”
How we describe them: Tilda Swinton @NotTildaSwinton is perhaps the most glorious mock celebrity account on Twitter. It alludes to the extremely elusive, odd nature of the famous actress whose unconventional antics include sleeping in a glass box in the New York MoMA for “art.” The humor here is quirky as hell and will make you scratch your hea,d but it is undeniably a gem among millions of Twitter users. A weird shiny gem.
Who they would be if they were related to you: Your harebrained aunt who for Christmas made you a hand-knitted scarf out of the hairs of a wooly mammoth
“In my spare time, I carry messages from elephants to whales. Two of a kind who will never meet … Oxygen is a cruel mistress!”
“I have named every one of my hairs, and tie strands together so they may converse. At night, the din of their chatter is almost unbearable”
“I’ve poured a new coat of flesh on my skeleton like steaming batter. It should harden by midday”
3) Norman N. @oldmansearch
How they describe themselves: “My dad is 83 years old. I’m teaching him how to use the Internet. I told him Twitter was how to search things on Google. These tweets are what he’s searching”
How we describe them: A person’s Google searches say a lot about him. With that said, @oldmansearch conveys the Google searches of a curious, senile, Republican, war veteran grandfather, which in our opinion is a fun combination. Some of these tweets are so ridiculous we think they are a fabrication, but for comedy’s sake, we’ll just pretend.
Who they would be if they were related to you: Your curious, senile, Republican, war veteran grandfather who to our immense entertainment doesn’t know the difference between Twitter and Google
“Why can’t I tickle myself?”
“Is gangnam style spicy?”
“Tv shows NO singing”
What are some of the funniest Twitter accounts in your book? Let us know in the comments!
Contact Liz Zarka at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter @Zarkotics.