The media has taught our society that one of the greatest joys in life is pining over someone who doesn’t know you exist. But while you’re salivating over your bearded men rankings and shvitzing at the thought of nice Jewish guys, there is one hottie to rule them all. And that reference applies because he’s playing both Smaug and The Necromancer in “The Hobbit” film trilogy.
I am of course talking about Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch. If you think that name is a mouthful, well — never mind. You’ve probably witnessed his acting career recently explode with roles like the title character of BBC’s “Sherlock” or the baddie Khan in “Star Trek into Darkness” or even Major Stewart in “War Horse.”
So now that you know who you’re dealing with, it is my duty to indoctrinate you into the world of the Cumberbitches. No, that is not a derogatory term. It’s a badge of honor worn by those who are Cumberbitchin’.
I should note that fangirling over Benedict is not just about adding the prefix “Cumber-” to any word until it loses any meaning it already didn’t have. Being a fangirl is about appreciating every aspect about him that you can glean from his public image. And I’ve done in-depth, ahem, research to help you develop your Cumbercrush.
Exhibit A: He’s a superior physical specimen.
Since attraction is initially physical, let’s start unpacking Benedict’s appearance. Consider his cheekbones and slanted baby blues and the fact that he’s a natural ginger. Add to that equation the fact that there have been numerous topless sightings of him. Drool.
Okay, so he’s mostly gone topless for roles. But just look that svelte sculpture of a bod all wrapped in bed sheets and a bad attitude in Buckingham Palace.
Then there’s this scene that was cut from “Star Trek” that is literally steamy — all of his brooding will have you swooning.
But there comes a time when we must all ask ourselves, “Do he got a booty?” Apparently, he doooooooo. His first glowing review hailed, “Benedict Cumberbatch’s Bottom will be long remembered.” Okay, the Bottom in question is actually his role as the donkey-headed wannabe actor in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” from when he was 12. But click the link, and you’ll understand.
I should probably point out that I’m not just trying to objectify Benedict, because that would be dehumanizing. Now that I’ve got you hooked, let’s move past that musculature and get deeper.
Exhibit B: He’s got brains.
Even though Benedict has carved a niche for himself with brilliant yet troubled characters from Dr. Frankenstein to Stephen Hawking, he’s actually smart IRL. He attended the legendary Harrow School, which has educated the likes of Lord Byron, Winston Churchill and that other Sherlock, played by that Robert Downey Jr. guy. Then, after a gap year of teaching English in India, Benedict studied drama at the University of Manchester, where he did stuff like write a dissertation. No big deal.
Now he waxes literary critical on TV book clubs.
He’s also adept at triumphing over impromptu quizzes.
And then there’s that whole thing where BB Batch ARGUED HIS WAY OUT OF BEING KIDNAPPED IN SOUTH AFRICA! That level of intelligence is something us Berkeley students should admire.
Exhibit C: He’s shown himself to be a lovely person.
You already know that Benedict is successful, sexy and smart. But, at the risk of sounding like an infomercial, there’s more!
Just look at how he wraps each of his fans in a Cumberbundle with ALL. THE. FEELS. That could be you up there. But not until he gets to me first.
Our leading man also has feminist tendencies, as he’s uncomfortable with the term “Cumberbitches.” He’s just trying to make sure the ladies aren’t oppressing themselves, ya know?
Even though he prefers alternative names like Cumbercollective, Cumberbabes and Cumberbuddies, we can all agree that Cumbercreeps would be more accurate.
Exhibit D: He’s not full of himself.
With all that Benedict’s got goin’ on, you would think he’d have some narcissistic tendencies. But he’s extremely self-deprecating. He says stuff like, “If you put me in a room with Brad (Pitt) and George (Clooney) and all of them, you do kind of go, ‘Lovely, yes. Handsome, yes. Oh, strange-looking guy.’”
He can laugh at the prank that the “Star Trek” crew played on him.
Even though his voice is so deep and velvety, he doesn’t hide his lisp.
He’s comfortable enough with his sexuality to dress like a lovely lady.
He himself is not unfamiliar with fangirling as he got a tad excited to witness Adele on the red carpet at the this year’s Golden Globes.
Then he fangirled when he met Harrison Ford, which he relived with Jimmy Fallon at 2:36.
So now you can fangirl with him while fangirling over him. It’s a win win for internetz-kind.
Exhibit E: He’s just ridiculous.
As if Benedict wasn’t already a Cumbercopia of lovable traits, you should see him let loose.
Behold his majestic animatronic dinosaur moves set to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
If that somehow isn’t enough, he can sing “Candle in the Wind” in the style of Alan Rickman!
And then this happened — he sported a cowboy hat in a hot tub, played shirtless Wizard’s chess and dodged my disdain when he wore crocs! That says a lot.
As a chaser, here’s a hilarious picture of Benedict hanging over London in the rain. Doesn’t he have you Sherlocked?
There you go, my Cumberconverts! Alas, your unhealthily cultish obsession with Benedict begins!
But don’t make too many fan vids about him — you wouldn’t want to break the internetz.
(I did not make this video, but I wouldn’t put it past me.)