If the only two certainties in life are death and taxes, we’ve got another one to slap onto that list: the increasing competitiveness of getting into college. Everybody seems to hype this up like some apocalyptic asteroid from outer space — and with good reason. A wise high school teacher once uttered that in his time (about 35 years ago), a 3.0 got your application into UC Berkeley. Today, it’s more common that a 3.0 gets your application folded into a paper airplane and flown into the recycle bin (at least admissions officers are eco-friendly). While we’d like to assume the increase in competitiveness is clearly because people are all getting smarter (or so we like to tell ourselves), we also recognize another factor: the number of students applying. This year, UC Berkeley received a record number of applicants, a trend line that doesn’t show any signs of slowing anytime soon. With that in mind, we at the Clog present to you our tongue-in-cheek tips for getting into UC Berkeley. What’s that, you say? You’re already here? Oh. Aren’t you special.
1. Play up your resume to ridiculous levels.
Sure, those hours spent volunteering at the local hospital picking up trash might make you seem like more of a janitor — unless, of course, you see it as being a hospital sanitation volunteer. Think it sounds a bit immoral to paint it that way? Have you ever been inside the Haas School of Business? There is no morality in college.
2. Spend a few days of vacation in a small third-world country or animal shelter. Stay in your hotel the entire time writing your personal statement.
Really, anywhere you can witness enough life-changing material to salvage some sort of personal statement is fine. The stories of endless diarrhea will look great on your list of distinctions!
3. Bribe every local alumnus in a 30-mile radius.
Alumni love to connect to interested applicants. Bring your status up to the next level by bribing them with Cal-inspired gear and swag. Alumni dig that shit.
4. Explain that you totally plan on drinking a lot freshman year but then really getting your shit together sophomore year.
Alternatively, say you know what you want to do, and you are willing to cheat and steal to get it. They like honesty.
5. Actually be a well-rounded, sincere and motivated applicant.
Ha! Just kidding. Sometimes we crack ourselves up.
(And as always, take this list with a massive dose of sarcasm.)
Image source: JanneM under Creative Commons.
Contact Sherdil Niyaz @ [email protected]