A breakdown of Beyon-Z and celebrity relationships

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Sometimes, when two people love each other very, very much, they get together and form a celebrity power couple.

Now, we’re not talking some Instagram-filtered-picture-of-an-ice-cream-date couple. We’re talking about two all-powerful, almighty forces colliding to form something that transcends anything and everything — it’s like Zeus, God or Oprah. The Brangelinas, the Kimyes, the TomKats, the Beyon-Zs — can I copyright that last one, please?

My marriage is going to be filled with stress and arguments over whether or not it is OK for me to utilize the butt flap of my footy pajamas. I’m going to be explaining the undeniable convenience and comfort of this while Beyon-Z sits courtside at Madison Square Garden before jetting off to massages on a Cuban beach. Ahuh, Hov is going to, you know, ahuh, buy a diamond studded necklace for Bey — yup! Meanwhile, my wife and I will be constrained in a plastic bubble and deported to Uruguay if we go out in public wearing all-leather clothing, as these immortals do quite frequently. Yes, Uruguay is exactly where they send such poser folk.

Therefore, it’s easy to see why people become engrossed in these love affairs plastered all over the glossy magazine pages and websites. Most “normal-people” marriages and relationships are not nearly as exciting as theirs, and, as seen by the popularity of such shows as “The Bachelor,” many enjoy watching an ambiguous thing such as love play out for all to see. It is a way to live vicariously through others and it makes romantic involvement — something that is all but glamorous at times — seem utterly glamorous. And, some of these relationships are just simply too adorbs not to love, such as the Neil Patrick Harris-Burtkas and the Andrew Garfield-Stones. But, these are far and in between.

I, along with millions of others, saw Kanye’s proposal to Kim, and I was like, “Yo, Yeezy, I love you, but why you doing this to me, man? My proposal’s going to look as glamorous as Justin Bieber’s mugshot now, bro.” Tom Cruise infamously jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, and I concluded that that must be the mystic, elusive, sacred “thing” called love that I heard about in all those songs, movies and brothels.

Suddenly, everyday relationships are seen as being hard and not worth the effort. Once taxes and feces get involved, then boom, it’s not how it’s “supposed to be.” Kids see Kimye walking out of Louis Vuitton stores in designer clothing with the glint from her 4,000-karat ring and then see their parents fight over a TV dinner, leading to some conclusions.

But, obviously, this is a bit ridiculous. Most of these relationships don’t last as long as it takes to wrap some blue ivy around your mantle. Infamously, Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days, and Taylor Swift skips through men like I skip through her songs. People seem to forget that if the people in these relationships were just your average Joes, their relationships would be looked at like one would look at a pregnant woman smoking. Like, “Oh no, don’t do that, guys.” If celebrities were the basis of how people judged their own relationships, we’d all be asexual organisms floating around with a “#ForeverAlone” sign wrapped around our necks. Now, there are exceptions, such as the prolific relationship between Seth Rogen and James Franco, and it is entertaining to get involved with these celeb couples — but hopefully they are seen as being outlandish and as a mere source of distraction, instead of a means for dissatisfaction.

Taran Moriates is the arts columnist. Contact him at [email protected]