With all the hard work expected of UC Berkeley students, loneliness can sometimes creep in unexpectedly. That’s why we at the Clog compiled some tips to quickly find the perfect partner in Berkeley before Valentine’s Day. Good luck, single ladies and gents!
1. Cross the street before the pedestrian sign permits. Not only will you save time, but you’re also sending a message to society that you don’t play by its rules. Drivers will appreciate your bravery and may even want to date you.
2. Develop deep connections by flyering for your club on Sproul. If you ask, “Interested in love?” loudly enough, you’re sure to get through to somebody.
3. Order the most sugary, most disgusting drink (“Cinnamon Dolce Creme Frappuccino”) from a coffee shop to show off your sweet side.
4. At said coffee shop, read “Paradise Lost.” Your future partner will think you’re cultured and refined without knowing it’s really your English homework and you’re only skimming it while stalking your old high-school crush.
5. Take a stroll over to People’s Park, where you’ll find great meeting spots like picnic benches and play structures. Bonus! The needles on the ground make for wonderful arts-and-crafts projects.
6. Go to a lower-division premed class, and ask to borrow notes from people. They’ll be so dedicated to helping others that you will probably borrow their hearts in addition to their notes!
8. Make your opinions known by starting a political discussion in class. Recommended topics include abortion, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and immigration. Plus, because you’re totally, objectively all-knowing in these subjects, your future partner will see just how brilliant you are and inevitably take on your worldview.
9. Get cozy on the 51B. Ride it at peak hours, and you’re bound to get a bit of backpack-on-backpack action. And when it turns sharply, you’ll fall into the arms of Mr. or Mrs. Right.
10. Walk fast and carry coffee to demonstrate your importance to the world. Act flustered upon arriving anywhere.
11. Skateboard through Sproul Plaza at noon. The chicks and dudes will notice your mad skills and find you irresistible.
12. Instagram every moment to show how sweet your life is. Send three-minute-long Snapchats to your whole contact book to assert your life’s worth. Your future partner will dig it.
13. Be sure to use your smartphone when having a conversation with someone you’re into. When you talk to someone and text at the same time, it shows that you like to keep things casual. It also reveals how connected and popular you are.
14. Make it very well known on social media outlets how lonely you are. You can even compile listicle blogs about finding love to ease your personal emptiness.