Independent ASUC presidential candidate vows to ban ASUC elections

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Independent ASUC presidential candidate Stanford H. Bush released a report Wednesday revealing that the single greatest complaint of UC Berkeley students was the existence of ASUC elections.

“Clearly, students hate the ASUC elections, and in the month of March, all we hear on social media platforms are complaints,” said Bush, who had conducted a six-month investigation into UC Berkeley students’ greatest concerns. “As a candidate who aims to completely represent the needs of the students, I hereby vow to ban elections the year after I become president.”

According to Bush, when it comes to their ASUC government, students at UC Berkeley hate democracy.

“Look, I’ve been going to this school for four years now, and not once have I enjoyed the ASUC elections process,” said a UC Berkeley senior. “I’m sure many students would agree with me when I say we should do away with the elections altogether and institute a random lottery system for our student government.”

Bush doesn’t find a random lottery system to be completely fair. In his report, Bush detailed that if elected this year, he would start implementing a system next year more reflective of American politics: Student government seats would be sold to the highest bidder.

“ASUC elections are very exciting,” said a UC Berkeley sophomore who asked to remain anonymous for fear of social castration. “I love it when other people comment on candidates’ photos from two years ago and have that pop up on my news feed. Seeing candidates do things like drink boba or walk on the San Francisco pier or fake laughing in 2012 is extremely stimulating!”

According to Bush, that sophomore was the only person out of thousands of respondents who professed to enjoying the elections process.

“When 99.9 percent of students are saying that they hate democracy, it’s time to institute a dictatorship,” Bush said. “But why go straight to a dictatorship when you can make a profit off of student seats?”

Bush said that by selling government seats, the ASUC solves two problems at once — it gets rid of ASUC elections and raises money for the often depleted ASUC coffers. As for referendums, Bush proposes a coin-toss system.

“Since students value their Facebook news feeds more than democracy, this is the only route to go,” Bush said. “If we can give the people clean Facebook feeds, we have earned their trust.”

Contact Lynn Yu at [email protected]