A few weeks ago, I took the girlfriend to Mexico for our anniversary. Get some sun, lie on the beach, maybe drink a little, you know. I was expecting it to be a nice time.
So we’re sitting on the beach, sipping on some margaritas, things going great. Then she tells me, “Babe, I really want to swim with dolphins.”
Now, I’m thinking to myself, what? Why would anyone want to touch some pretentious little fish? But I’m a gentleman, you know. So I say, all right, let’s go to DolphinWorld™. I saw the place on the car ride to the resort, seems nice. I figure it’ll be a quick little trip, you know, some nice, wholesome family fun.
So we show up. They make us stand in some junk little pool while we wait for the dolphins to come out. Already, I’m pissed. Not sure why I’m waiting if I’m the one shelling out pesos for these sea rats. They finally show up and start jumping all around. Everyone’s clapping and laughing as these little fuckers get everyone wet.
Then the lady in charge has us all line up. She says that we’re each gonna have to kiss the dolphin. I’m gonna be real with you — I’ve made some mistakes in my love life, but I’m not gonna let this be one. So I tell her, I ain’t gonna let my lips touch some fish that’s making out with everyone it sees. She tells me dolphins aren’t fish. I’m like whatever.
Then, outta nowhere, that thing pops up and smacks one on my girl. And you know what: She kisses back. Not only that, she starts kissing it for a real long time, doing that closing-her-eyes thing and shit. And, in the middle of it, that dolphin opens its eyes and, I swear, winks at me. I start fuming. I know what you’re thinking: I shoulda left right there. But I played it cool.
‘Look at that cute couple!” said the trainer.
“Jaja,” I laughed in Spanish right back with them. But, deep down I was mad, you know.
That day I ended things with her. She told me I was crazy for thinking she had feelings for a dolphin. I told her I just needed my space. When I told my buddies about the breakup, they said things like:
“That was part of a show, an act you paid for. Why would you leave someone for that? You are dumb.”
“That was a dolphin. She is a human. They are not in love. You are crazy for thinking that.”
“You are clinically insane. You need to seek serious medical help. I can recommend a psychiatrist.”
But they just don’t get it. They weren’t there when it happened, when I had my heart broke. Since then, things have been tough. Single life ain’t easy. You know, learning to be by myself. I’ve taken up yoga. Trying to get into drinking a lot of juice. I have a lot of kale.
Last week, my ex and the dolphin went Facebook official. Their relationship status got more than 800 likes. A lot of comments seemed to be undecipherable dolphin sounds, but I imagine they were all supportive.
Now, I just have to focus on me. Plenty of fish in the sea, you know.