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Independent candidate Stanford Bush ruins ASUC campaigning

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APRIL 02, 2014

To kick off the first week of campaigning, staffers and candidates on Sproul Plaza were met with an unexpected thunderstorm Monday. However, contrary to popular belief, the tempest was not the working of Mother Nature’s wrath but rather the campaign designs of independent ASUC presidential candidate Stanford H. Bush.

When Bush discovered he did not have the manpower to campaign via conventional methods, he decided to make good on his campaign promise by attempting to eliminate ASUC elections.

Conventional campaign tactics typically involve: drawing things repetitively on the ground, eating repetitively at Crossroads and walking around Sproul with a picture of a person’s face on a stick of cardboard.

Bush chose to depart from this formula. According to Bush, he rain-danced Sunday night and sang to the sky while sacrificing his GPA. The next day, the Earth answered his prayers and threw thunder and lightning down upon ASUC campaigning.

“I went through the ASUC election bylaws, and while there are many rules regarding chalking, fliering and Sprouling, there are a total of zero rules that have to do with weather control,” Bush said.

According to Bush, his phone, email and Facebook became flooded with angry calls and complaints from campaign staffers across all parties later that night.

“Look, if they really think it was unjustified, they can file charges with the ASUC Judicial Council,” shrugged Bush. “I just don’t see how making it rain is unconstitutional.”

Despite the sopping state of their campaign staffers and candidates, SQUELCH! nonetheless has chosen to endorse him for president.

“The SQUELCH! party is always in favor of candidates making it rain,” said Casey Berkovitz and Shannon Thomas, SQUELCH! co-chairs. “Stanford Bush will bring important diversity to the names of Cal presidents. We are eager to align ourselves with any candidates with X-Men-like mind control over the weather.”

However, Bush’s tactics have not necessarily made him popular with voters.

“The only place I like to be wet is in bed,” said a UC Berkeley senior. “This rain was not appreciated.”

As of press time, it is unclear whether any more weather catastrophes await volunteers on Sproul.

Contact Lynn Yu at [email protected].

APRIL 01, 2014

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