Last night was just like the night Beyonce dropped her surprise album: pure magic. For just one hour, all violence around the globe came to a stop, friend and foe laid down their sword, allies and enemies danced hand-in-hand and the whole world gathered around their televisions or HBO GO accounts (passwords undoubtedly borrowed from someone’s brother’s roommate’s parents) to watch the first episode of the fourth season of television ingenuity HBO’s “Game of Thrones.”
In case you’ve forgotten, season three’s end left the show with a nearly clean slate. Much of House Stark was murdered at the Red Wedding, Khaleesi’s army grew and her dragons matured, Arya joined up with the Hound and poor little Theon Greyjoy was castrated. Understandably so, you’ve probably spent the past few months debating among friends what would happen in season four. (Note: Here, we will only be using the word “friends” to describe somebody who has either never read the books or is not enough of an ass to remind you that he or she has read them and knows how it all ends.) Your debates probably included: Will Theon become the next Varys? Will Khaleesi get it on with Fabio’s little brother, aka Daario Naharis? And will Arya finally get her revenge over Joffrey?
Few to none of these questions were answered during the premiere of season four, except the question regarding the Fabio look-alike. We still don’t know if he’s going to get it in with the mother of dragons, but we do know he’s been replaced with some generic-looking dude who used some corny “This is how you make tea with local flowers” line to hit on the khaleesi. Stand in line, new Daario Naharis! In other khaleesi news, the mother of dragons is losing control over her babies because they’re teenagers now and won’t stop throwing their food or snapping at mom. Behave, boys.
Season four’s premiere took us around the “Game of Thrones” world to catch us up on what’s been going on with most of the characters. We learned in King’s Landing that they serve pigeon pie and a new man, Oberyn Martell, has arrived. Martell is ready for some blood and women or men and, the seven gods and lord of light know, he’s come to the right place! Jaime is back after years of being away and is finding that a thing or two has changed. On the bright side, he’s got a cool new little hand and fun little Valyrian sword, forged from Ned Stark’s sword (RIP).
Up at the Wall, Jon Snow is still the same mopey bastard who ended season three recovering from the arrow wounds inflicted by Ygritte’s bow. He’s been pardoned of his crimes and is back on the side of the Knight’s Watch, ready to bore the entire North to death with his good looks.
Outside of the Twins, Arya and the Hound are continuing to wreak havoc and kill bad guys. The Arya-Hound storyline should continue next week and is bound to get even more exciting, just in time for my “I heart Arya Stark” stick ‘n poke to heal.
If you missed the season four premiere, I have one question for you: What are you doing with your life? “Game of Thrones” is more widely watched than the Olympics, and the books are just as popular as the New Testament — and that’s probably a fact. If you wish to participate in the greatest pleasure known to modern man, tune in next week for “Game of Thrones” episode two, in which we will probably see more boobs, more blood and more dragons. Oh, and a wedding! Something old, something new, something dead, something boob?