Lies UC Berkeley students tell their parents

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Lie: “I’ve been studying all day.”

Truth: I rolled out of bed feeling sort of gassy, decided to watch the webcast instead of actually going to class and then spilled coffee all over my textbook. I did, however, read a few blurry lines of text while sopping the mess up with toilet paper. Then you called me.

Lie: “I’ve been trying to eat better.”

Truth: Yesterday, I ate an orange. Sometimes, I put spinach in my grilled cheese. Do the little green balls in instant ramen count as vegetables?

Lie: “I’ve been working out more often.”

Truth: Yesterday, I  worked out for half an hour, which is half an hour longer than I’ve worked out all semester. Guess I’m an athlete now, or whatever. Can you feel my bicep through the receiver? I’m holding the phone against it right now. Feels good, right? I’m still sore.

Lie: “No, I’m not seeing anyone right now.”

Truth: I’ve hooked up with a bunch of fuck-ups that I still keep around but have absolutely no desire to date.

Lie: “I’ve been doing well in most of my classes except for one in which I’m kind of struggling. But no biggie!”

Truth: I’m barely surviving in most of my classes, except for one in which I AM DROWNING AND THERE IS NO HOPE OF RESCUE.

Lie: “I don’t drink. I don’t need to drink to have fun!”

Truth: My roommate and I have this drinking game in which we watch marathons of “Mad Men” and drink every time a character abuses alcohol. I’ve never remembered anything past the third episode. Also, at my first frat party I puked in an urn. I don’t know whose it urn was or who handed it to me. I felt really bad about it.

Lie: “I don’t need money.”

Truth: I always need money, but I’m going to assume you’ll still give me some if I say I don’t. Do I feel guilty? Only sli — yes. The answer is yes. I’m sorry, Mommy … Daddy … thanks for the extra dough…

Lie: “Sorry I haven’t called. I’ve been really busy lately!”

Truth: Being an adult is hard. Like — really, really hard. I’m never sure which to prioritize more: sleep, school, friends … or health? I’m sleepy and cranky most of the time because I’m neglecting one or the other. So, forgive me if I forget to call once in a while. Chances are I need some downtime, and your questions are a little exhausting. Also, I’d rather vent about my personal life to a friend than to my parents.

Contact Lilia Vega at [email protected].