Thoughts you have while composing a professional email

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Emails may be the most daunting form of communication — once you click “Send,” there’s no going back. Suddenly, a simple email can determine your next paycheck, so the next time you draft a professional email, check to see if you’re guilty of thinking the following:

“Dear _____,”

After hours of endless research, I finally figured out your name and would love to get to know you on a personal level after you hire me. I really hope this shows how much I want to be a part of your company and of your life. You’re amazing. I love you. Please give me a job.

“To whom it may concern:”

I tried to spend hours researching your company, but you’re very good at being ambiguous. I have no idea who you are, but your company pays a big salary, and I am really attracted to dollar signs. Please hire me.

“I’ve attached my resume and cover letter to this email.”

I spent hours writing these. You better open this file.

“I have an extremely open availability and will definitely prioritize this internship above all else.”

I’m secretly waiting until you give me the job so I can tell you about the amazing monthlong vacation I have planned in Brazil.

“Feel free to contact any of the references listed below.”

I just got off the phone with them and forced them to tell you nice things about me. There might have been some money involved.

“I am free to conduct a phone interview tomorrow at 5:30 p.m. if that works for you?”

I’ll be in my PJs trying to avoid eating the whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s in celebration of the fact that I don’t have to iron my suit.

“I look forward to speaking with you.”

I will buy you all the coffees you want if you promise me a job after this awkward professional date. I am terrified of being unemployed and really, really hope you hire me. I may even name my children after you.

“I can’t wait to begin working.”

I just had my last blackout for a while, and my mouth still tastes like alcohol. But don’t worry, these activities won’t resume until I am more comfortable working here/get bored (whichever comes first).

“Thank you so much for this opportunity.”

I know you want me. Who wouldn’t?

“Thank you so much for this opportunity. Unfortunately, I will not be able to accept your offer at this time.”

HAHA FOUND A BETTER JOB, SUCKER. But if I get fired, I’ll hit you up.

Contact Ilaf Esuf at [email protected].