Waiting for the wedding bells

Sex on Tuesday

This semester I made a new friend. A special friend. She is cute. She is funny. She is a virgin. Her name is Sherane. Despite our contrasting sexual histories, we get along well, and we’re clearly attracted to one another. The other night, I went over to her place to study, we began to kiss, and somehow, our clothes ended up on the floor. With any other girl, this would have been a good thing.

The problem: I don’t sleep with virgins. Even if she wants to, it isn’t right.

People secure their virginities for various reasons: religion, waiting till marriage, haven’t found the right person yet, etc. There are plenty of possible reasons not to have sex with a virgin. He might not know what he’s doing, or she’ll only want to do missionary.

But those aren’t reasons I tend to steer clear of virgins.

I’ll no longer have sex with virgins because I believe virginity should be held in high regard and anyone, both girls and guys, shouldn’t give it up too quickly. My current attitude — of having sex just because it’s the bee’s knees — definitely doesn’t make me the best option to give your virginity to. Sorry Sherane.

We live in an exceedingly sexual world. Whether you are bumping Taylor Swift on the radio or watching Kate Upton down a cheeseburger, sex is subliminally — but intentionally — shoved down your throat. We, the media and their consumers, perpetuate a culture that not only tolerates high levels of sexual activity but also expects it. In my hands, this column is probably guilty of that as well. But that is not something I want you to believe. Rather, you should not lose your virginity if you are not ready.

High school and college students today face an overwhelming pressure to have sex at an early age. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shows that the average American loses his or her virginity at 17.1 years old — also known as, pretty damn young.

People no longer have a mindset that they are destined to marry the first person they fall in love with. In an era of increasing divorce rates and out-of-wedlock pregnancy, the conception of the nuclear family, which was previously considered to be a prerequisite for sexual interaction, has begun to deteriorate. Today, we’re also actively exposed to sex and nudity in the media, and that has casualized the way we react to sexual content. As a result, it has become taboo to tie the knot before doing the dirty deed, and it shouldn’t be.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to downplay the wonderfulness that is sex. It’s my favorite pastime, and I’d have a difficult time living without it.

But there is an emotional attachment to a person’s virginity not only for the one giving it away but also for the one taking it. Taking someone’s virginity is a big responsibility and should not be treated lightly — especially since the decision to have sex can often be the result of perceived social pressure.

A couple of years ago, I had sex with my then-partner in a heat-of-the-moment sexual romp. It was dark, we were alone watching a movie, our cuddling progressed to kissing, our clothes came off, and I slipped on a condom. When we started, she was eager to lose her virginity to me, but she immediately began to regret it when we finished, and I have not spoken to her since. We weren’t in love, but I knew she always wanted to be when she lost her virginity.

Of course, everyone can choose when and to whom they lose their virginity, but people make mistakes, especially in a culture that glorifies sexual activity. I trust my partner’s ability to know what’s best for her, but I still don’t want the responsibility that comes with taking someone’s virginity. It may not seem like much, but losing your virginity is an event that you will remember for the rest of your life. So don’t take the chance — lose it to someone you love.

And if you’re not ready to have sex, don’t. There is nothing wrong with celibacy. If that is something you believe in, stick to your guns and only play that v-card when you’re ready. A person’s virginity is special and should only go to someone who deserves it. Don’t let your first time be casual. Don’t lose it when you’re drunk. Don’t lose it when you’re high. Lose it when you’re in love.

As my time as the Sex on Tuesday columnist comes to an end, I would like to thank you all for spending this semester with me. From the positive Facebook messages to the angry emails, this journey with you has been an unforgettable one. I hope you have enjoyed my time here as much as I have. And if you’re already having sex, have fun and be safe.


Brett Tanonaka writes the weekly Sex on Tuesday column. You can contact him at [email protected].