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Two sperm walk into a bar

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Founder and Editor, The Weekender

SEPTEMBER 12, 2014

So, these two sperm walk into a bar. I know what you’re thinking, “How could two sperm walk into a bar? They’re way too young!” But, it was midweek and, you know, with the economy how it is, things can happen.

Sperm 1: I’m really glad we’re seeing each other outside of work. That place always feels so cramped.

Sperm 2: Bro, I know. I’ve been so sore from all the practices.

Sperm 1: The two-a-days this off-season have been exhausting.

Sperm 2: Not sure how the dudes in Forearm are holding up. A buddy in Eyes told me things are getting pretty repetitive.

Sperm 1: Fortunately, it looks like this Kate might be the one!

Sperm 2: I know I’m stoked to finally get to meet her tonight.

Sperm 1: Well, that’s kind of why I wanted to talk to you…

Sperm 2: What’s up?

Sperm 1: I mean, I was just hoping we could kind of be mature about this and recognize that I should be the one who takes the lead tonight. Like, you’re great and all but I think we can all agree that you’re not the sharpest up top.

Sperm 2: Dude, I’m gonna be 6’6” and swoll as fuck. That egg is mine.

Sperm 1: No, no, don’t get me wrong. You’re certainly in great shape. But, you probably don’t want your height and IQ to be the same. I have the kind of mind that could change the world.

Sperm 2: I’ll have biceps the size of most people’s heads.

Sperm 1: I’ll have a dexterity with language not seen since the early works of Hemingway.

Sperm 2: I’ll have issues with volume control that intimidate shits like you while also being strangely endearing to women.

Sperm 1: I’ll have troubling anxieties that last well into my 50’s that form the basis for poetry only fit for the most obscure journals.

Sperm 2: I’ll have an overwhelming ego that covers up a deep sense of loneliness.

Sperm 1: You will too? I thought that was just me.

Sperm 2: Then how do we decide? Rock, Paper, Scissors?

[Lacking fingers, each game ends in a tie of Rocks. Now both sperm are exhausted, seemingly out of breath]

Sperm 1: You know, I’m not sure why we’re doing this. We’re two stellar sperm at each other’s centrioles.

Sperm 2: This doesn’t have to be hard.

Sperm 1: Then it’s agreed. We stay friends?

[Both raise their glasses]

Both: “To staying friends!”



Contact Curan Mehra at [email protected]

SEPTEMBER 12, 2014