How to meet your significant other in Berkeley

Here at the Clog, we’re acutely aware of the fact that our alumni got called out as some of the nation’s least-dateable people. We Cloggers reject that. Have you looked in a mirror lately? You’re beautiful. There are plenty of ways to meet your significant other in Berkeley. Just read our handy list of five suggestions, and you’ll find your “Berkeley bae” in no time.

1. Hang out at the libraries.

Library goers are in a heightened state of stress due to their last-minute problem sets or their essay deadlines, and you need to be the calm in the eye of their storm. Woo your prey with the 27 digits of pi you learned in high school or your ability to BS your way through an essay without saying anything of substance. Alternately, woo them with caffeine. They’ll hold you close forever.

You: Shh, we can’t talk in the library. I guess we’re just going to have to use body language.

Them: I can fit you in after this midnight Hilfinger deadline.

See? And here you thought romance was dead.

2. Bump into them at the Golden Bear Cafe.

We’re not making an analogy here. We want you to literally crash into the person of your dreams while buying your daily chicken strips (that’s right — we see you). According to every romantic comedy, the other person’s food will go flying, and your hands will touch dramatically when you help them pick it up. First, contact is established, then endless love will soon follow. They wouldn’t show it in the movies if it weren’t true, right? Love over spilled chicken strips — we can’t think of anything more romantic.

You: Oh no! I see the hot coffee you’re conveniently holding spilled on your shirt! Here, use mine instead.

Them: Throw in a few chicken strips and then we’ll talk.

It works like a charm!

3. Give out flyers…

…with your number on it. This is the perfect way to find your Sproul sweetheart. Make official-looking flyers and hand them out on Sproul as people are heading home. The people you give them to will be relieved you’re not trying to sell them on another club. Plus, you’re offering something more valuable than the opportunity to network: your love and affection. If they don’t accept that, they’re too weird for you anyway.

You: (while holding flyer) Are you interested in … a date with me?

Them: No th — oh yeah, maybe, actually.

True love can’t be far away.

4. Swipe a cute person in at Cafe 3. 

We’re not talking about Crossroads here — that’s for the masses. You need to go to Cafe 3: a classy place to start a classy romance. Wait outside this fine dining establishment until you see someone who looks low on meal points. Offer to swipe him or her in if he’ll have dinner with you, and you’ll be his hero forever. Like your grandmother always says, the way to a person’s heart is through his stomach, and we all know dining hall food is high cuisine.

You: Hey, baby, here’s a five-course meal just for you. So what’ll it be? Coffee, tea or me?

Them: How about your meal points?

It’s a fairytale in the making.

5. Meet them at Berkeley Bowl.

Here’s your strategy — hang around near high shelves. Someone is bound to ask you to fetch an item from the top shelf, and that’s the perfect opportunity to start a conversation. You knew your height would come in handy someday! Bone up on your knowledge of organic fruit and obscure grains, and you have yourself a genuine conversation in the making. Just make sure not to mention your secret love of Hot Cheetos and In-N-Out.

You: With you, I’m as high as the locally sourced oatmeal on the top shelf over there.

Them: We can talk if you reach it for me.

Who says chivalry is dead?

As you can see, meeting someone in Berkeley is as easy as leaving your apartment. We know, we lost you at “leaving.” It’s okay — there’s always tomorrow.

Image Source: Sergey Sus under Creative Commons

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].