It’s a big week for us here at UC Berkeley, and as UC Berkeley students, we should be readily preparing. The Big Game against Stanford University is Saturday, and what better way to prepare than become impassioned Bears, ready to tear through the flesh that is the Stanford Cardinal? Sorry — that was way more graphic than we wanted it to be, but you get the point. To help you get into the Big Game mindset, here’s a list of red things you already really, really dislike.
Stop signs and red lights
When you’re stopped at a stop sign or a longer-than-life red light, do you ever think to yourself, “What if I just … went?” Yeah. Same. What’s even worse is that in Berkeley, there are pedestrians crawling around like ants. They will even get mad at you for going WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN. Most of them will walk in front of you right as you’re about to move from your stopped position and say, “Oh, it’s fine. I can jaywalk because if they run over me and I die, I can sue them.” If you’re a driver, this probably makes you want to pull your hair out.
The low-battery sign
What’s scarier than not getting tickets to the Big Game? Having a dead phone in the waiting room at the Tang Center. You’re in the middle of entertaining yourself on the Twitters and the Tinders and the Tumblrs, and, all of the sudden, you see that “Less than 10 percent battery” notification and the tiny bright red bar on the corner of your phone screen. The nurse won’t be able to see you for another 45 minutes. Just give up. Channel this feeling into campus spirit.
DAMN IT. It has taken you three months to take out that history book you have never even touched for your history class, you have finally done it, and what do you get in return? No — not knowledge. A paper cut. A mother-flooglin’ paper cut. Reading that monotonous textbook is punishment enough, and this is what you get? It is a sign that you should not be reading that book at all. But you know what they say? No pain, no gain. Use that pain, and turn it into passionate “BEAT STANFORD” chants throughout the week.
Red marks on your paper
The more of these you see on your essay, the worse you probably did. Your GSI either hates you, thinks you suck as a writer, thinks both or thinks you suck as a writer but really, really wants to help you improve! All this time, you thought you were the David Sedaris of writing about Ancient Etruscans … but you were wrong. Instead of throwing a fit and tearing up your paper into shreds, throw a fit and tear Stanford into shreds! Yay! Go Bears!
The douchey red M&M
Despite your love for the shell-covered circular chocolate, this angry little M&M man irks you. His cynicism makes you cringe and makes you think, “Wow, he must have a lot of deep-set issues and must be very insecure because it is clear that he is just projecting … ” OK, maybe that does not go through your head at all, but just look at those eyebrows. Those have got to hit some angry bone in your body. Now, imagine those eyebrows on Stanford football players. Yeah … now you are gettin’ it.
Gabrielle Nguyen is an assistant blog editor. Contact her at [email protected].