Going home for the holidays offers a nice time to relax, binge-watch everything you’ve had to miss due to ongoing midterms and reconnect with old friends. Whether it’s your first time going back home from college or your sixth, there are certain people who never change. There will always be that one friend who can’t stop talking about how much better his or her school is than yours, and there will always be the long-distance couple who can’t stop touching each other after having been away for the semester. We’ve compiled a profile to help you realize how you could have handled these people better during Thanksgiving and just how much preparing you need to do before you hang out with them over winter break.
The one who wants to transfer
This person is incredibly pessimistic about their school and the life he or she leads there. To this person, everything sucks and will never get better until he or she switches schools.
Favorite line: “I think I’d be happier if I went to…”
Plan of attack: Remind him or her that it’s not so bad. It could always be worse — he or she could go to Stanford University.
The one with too much school spirit
This person is on every possible committee related to school spirit. The only colors in this person’s wardrobe are his or her school’s two colors and ubiquitous neutrals. This person goes to every sporting event and has a nearly photographic memory for flattering statistics about his or her university.
Favorite line: “Last week, our underwater basket weaving department was honored as the best in the country, but I had to miss the ceremony because I was at the football game against our rival.”
Plan of attack: Counteract and question everything, proving that while your school’s debate team may not do so well in competitions, it certainly has prepared you well for conversations such as these.
The one who misses his or her friends
This person cannot stop talking about all the best friends that he or she had to leave behind to come home. The people this person knows in college are infinitely better than the people he or she knows from home, and this person will make sure that you are aware of that.
Favorite line: (laughs hysterically) “You had to be there.”
Plan of attack: Play along. This person will be happy to keep feeding you ridiculous stories about his or her fabulous life while you silently laugh.
The one who gossips
This person can tell you everything about everyone you have ever known. He or she knows who is hooking up with who and who broke up with who and can give you a detailed summary of what everyone’s last few months have been like.
Favorite line: “Did you hear what happened to them? They totally had it coming.”
Plan of attack: Start your own rumors. Play into this person’s penchant for gossip by starting the most ridiculous rumors you can think of about fake people you supposedly went to high school with.
The one who wants to know every detail about your life
This person hasn’t talked to you since you last left home, and while you know there is a reason for that, this person thinks it was just because you were “busy.”
Favorite line: “We haven’t talked in forever! How are you? Tell me everything!”
Plan of attack: Tell this person what you have been up to in the most melodramatic way possible. Make every tiny detail seem important, and hopefully, you will bore him or her into never wanting to catch up again.
The one who can’t actually be doing this well
This person does it all. He or she probably plays a varsity sport, goes to all the football games, goes out four nights per week, is best friends with the only famous student at his or her school, lives in a stylish yet affordable apartment, is president of all 16 clubs he or she is a part of and is taking an absurd number of units — yet is still getting all A’s.
Favorite Line: “Last week I had three papers, but it was OK because I threw such a fun party at my place after the speaker series I organized and facilitated.”
Plan of attack: Call this person out. If you do not do it, no one will. We advise looking fiercely into his or her eyes and saying, “I call BS.”
Featured Image: Batavia Public Library Illinoi
Contact Rachel Feder at [email protected].