50 thoughts we had while watching "Fifty Shades of Grey"

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FEBRUARY 19, 2015

1. We can’t believe we came all the way to Emeryville for this.

2. But wait, we’re actually kind of excited.

3. Our friends must not know. Poker face. Repeat: poker face.

4. Who folds ties that neatly, Christian? Don’t you have more important things to be worrying about — like your multimillion-dollar business?

6. It’s been five minutes, and I’ve seen way more abs at the RSF than in this movie.

7. Seriously though, where are the abs?

8. How does Christian have monogrammed pencils? We want pencils with our names on them. Would Copy Central do that?

9. Anastasia. The man just asked you for zip ties, ropes and duct tape. Call UCPD.

10. Nope, she’s biting her lip and smiling again. She’s clearly delusional.

11.  Why is there a hardware store in a college town? Can’t she just work at her newspaper?

12. Why is her coworker hot? Why is Jose hot? Why is Christian hot? Why can’t we live in a movie?

13. Damn, the man also has business cards. We need those in our lives. Zee Zee Copy?

14. Maybe we should change our names to something cooler. Then we could get business cards.

15. Christian Grey is a multimillionaire, and all he’s doing is buying Anastasia coffee? Shut it down.

16. He told you to stay away, Anastasia. Did we not just say shut it down?

17. Nope, she’s biting her lip again. Someone should run to Walgreens and get that girl some ChapStick.

18. We wonder if she gets cold sores.

19. Wait, does anyone actually bite her lip in real life?

20. Do we bite our lips?

21. Ow. Clearly, we do not.

22. We wish we could get away with wearing a T-shirt to a bar, like Anastasia. Damn Berkeley and its standards of attractiveness.

23. Why is Christian bringing Anastasia toast in bed if he’s just going to eat it? Get your own toast, Christi —

24. Ooh, abs.

25. Who takes off his shirt with one hand?

26. It’s weird, but it’s working for him.

27. Maybe on their next date, he’ll take her to Chez Panisse.

28. Nope, they’re going in a helicopter instead.

29. Add that to the list of things we want.

30. Why do you even need a helicopter to go to Seattle?

31. Hey, the Red Room! We’ve heard about thi —

32. Oh.

33. Well then.

34. OK, how many floggers do you really need?

35. Maybe he has one for every day of the week. This is his Monday flogger. That’s his Tuesday flogger.

36. Oh, Anastasia matched her bra to her panties! You go, girl.

37. Oh, hey, boobs.

38. Yep, those are definitely boobs.

39. How many places are they going to have sex? We should make a drinking game.

40. The Tang Center sees you with that condom, Christian. Safe is sexy!

41. That contract looks long. We wouldn’t have time to read that on top of all our Biology 1B homework.

42. Do you think that thing comes with Sparknotes?

43. Ana clearly never read The Daily Californian’s sex issue, or she’d know what to expect.

44. Why are you not more freaked out that your boyfriend casually flew to Georgia to see you, Ana?

45. I mean, he does have a helicopter. Maybe this is just an everyday thing for him.

46. Another date, another plane. Step it up, Christian.

47. We change our mind. Step it down with that aggression. Way down.

48. Yeah, Ana, leave in protest! Stick it to the patriarchy!

49. I wonder if she stole some of his pencils on her way out.

50. We would have.

Contact Emma Schiffer at 


FEBRUARY 19, 2015