How do you know if that cute girl in your unit or that hot guy at the party would potentially hook up with you? That’s right — you don’t. Unless you have a strong sexual tension radar, you are essentially clueless. It is on more than one occasion that you text your friends, “ ‘Person X’ said this; what does it mean?? Is he DTF or nah?” Okay, maybe not those exact words, but the general gist is the same. You need to figure out what the hell he means when he says …

WARNING: None of these scenarios apply without informed, revocable, voluntary, sober and verbal consent.

P.S. The complications go in chronological order in both categories.

At a party

“I think we should hook up.”

• Decoding: You’re hot and I think you feel the same about me, so we should be doin’ the dirty.

“I’ll walk you home.”

• Decoding: I hope that at the end of the walk home, you will invite me up to your room. Then we can make small talk and eventually hook-up.

“Do you want some (insert alcohol that is not Keystone Light)? It’s in my room.”

• Decoding: By selflessly sharing my better and self-bought alcohol with you, I think I would increase the amount of sexual chemistry between us. Plus, if you’re already in my room … foot-in-the-door phenomenon, am I right?

“I think you need some water; let me go grab you a cup.”

• Decoding: I want to show you that I am genuinely a nice person. At the end of the night, after you get hit on with many unnecessarily erotic pickup lines, I hope you’ll still remember how nice I was to you. Also, come to me if you need anything — and I mean, anything.

Not at a party

“Let’s watch Netflix.”

• Decoding: Whilst the room is dark, creating that sultry mood, I could easily make my move. Even if I am not smooth, the room would be dark, so you wouldn’t even be able to see me struggling to find a comfortable arm position. Most importantly, there is no need to make the awkward small talk and I could use the opportunity to catch up on my shows. 

“I’m really good at giving massages.”

• Decoding: I actually am really good at massages, but my work doesn’t go unrequited. 

“I have 50 colors of Ralph Lauren shirts. You should come see it.”

• Decoding: I’m very proud of my closet, and I can only imagine that by inviting you to my room and wooing you with my taste in polos, it will eventually transition from casual conversation into a cuddling/ make-out session.

“Wanna burn 230 calories in 30 minutes?”

• Decoding: Did you know that making out for 30 minutes can burn you 230 calories? Well, now you know. It would be like going to the gym, except burning way less calories. Either way, I think I’m good-looking enough to make that offer enticing, do you?

Guess no more! With this somewhat solid list of hookup initiations, you would not miss a single opportunity. So ladies and gentlemen, please take note.