SQUELCH! releases entirely satirical slate of 2015-16 executive candidates

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For the first time since 2012, SQUELCH! released an entirely satirical slate of executive candidates Sunday for the upcoming ASUC elections to accompany its three serious ASUC Senate candidates.

This year’s candidates are Jake “the First” Fineman, Sam “Actual Hermit Crab” Heinz, Yevgeniya “Bobert J. Rirgeneau” Sosnovskaya and Tom “Silent Majority” Yang, who are running for ASUC president, external affairs vice president, academic affairs vice president and executive vice president, respectively. All are members of campus improvisation groups.

Prior to 2013, the party typically ran one serious senate candidate alongside several satirical executive candidates. In recent years, the party has slated only serious candidates to gain credibility and avoid confusion between its real and satirical candidates, according to Fineman, who is also SQUELCH!’s creative director.

This year, the party slated joke candidates to “maintain the satire” on which the party was founded, he said.

“We want to draw more people into the election and get more people thinking about it,” Fineman said. “If you take the time to look at us having fun, you’ll look into our platforms and then into the platforms of other people.”

Jake “the First” Fineman is running for president as a monarch who wants to abolish the senate and establish a feudal system in its place.

“I am the rightful heir to the monarchy of UC Berkeley, and I have looked at the ASUC (Senate) and see that it’s throttled by partisanship,” Fineman said. “Democracy has failed.”

Additionally, Fineman plans to organize a military force to take over other UC campuses in his policy of imperialism, because it is UC Berkeley’s right and duty as the most enlightened school, he noted.

“It will improve campus climate by giving everyone a common enemy,” Fineman said.

Sam “Actual Hermit Crab” Heinz is running for EAVP as an ageless junior-transfer hermit crab that wants to create strategically placed campus shell stations, which would help crustacean students transition to new shells, as one of his platforms.

He felt that many classrooms, which lack sand and water, do not accommodate the needs of inter-tidal students such as himself. He added that creatures of all species need to be fully recognized not only by facilities on campus, but also in student government.

“There are too many people in the ASUC Senate,” he said. “We need some new voices. They don’t need to be human.”

His platforms also include sacrificing all first-born sons to the Lord of the Crustaceans, Kralzor, to ensure a larger bounty of beach scraps for the upcoming school year and “ensure the longevity of my brethren.”

Senior Yevgeniya “Bobert J. Rirgeneau” Sosnovskaya is running for AAVP as former chancellor Robert Birgeneau, who has reportedly disguised himself as a student to resume his ascension to power and become chancellor once again.

Despite these rumors, Rirgeneau insisted he is “definitely not the other guy,” referring to Birgeneau.

“That guy wasn’t cool. I’m the cool guy,” he said. “I’m just a cool dude. I know what cool kids need, and I’m on the level with the cool kids that tweet me @bobbyr.”

As part of his “cool” platform, Rirgeneau hopes to funnel ASUC funds into hosting slumber parties in Dwinelle and Friday pizza parties.

Finally, Tom “Silent Majority” Yang is running for EVP as a mime, in the hope of representing the “silent majority” on campus. He could not be reached for comment.

The 2015-16 ASUC elections will take place April 7, 8 and 9.

Sonja Hutson covers student government. Contact her at [email protected] and follow her on Twitter @SonjaHutson.