How to successfully yak at UC Berkeley

Yik Yak/Courtesy

We the Clog are nothing if not at least somewhat funny and relatable. Just like Yik Yak, we strive to achieve reader engagement through these two qualities, but with on-point grammar and structured syntax, of course. As patrons of witty humor with well-developed knowledge on understanding people, we might just provide you with the two cents you need to increase your yakarma points enough for those free socks from the Yik Yak booth.

 

Successful

Midterms/ Finals jokes

During midterms and finals season, these yaks are hot commodities. Since “midterm” is a misnomer and doesn’t usually end until finals start, there are plenty of chances for you to drop your most clever yaks about how your midterm/ final “fucks you better than your boyfriend.”

Low GPA jokes

What can we say? Those yaks are just relatable, as sad as that is. Getting “fucked” by your midterm inevitably leads to lower GPAs by causation. Through this unbreakable cycle of bad grades, everything makes sense. And by “makes sense” we mean the cycle and why your grades aren’t improving, not the questions on your exam.

Anti-Stanford jokes

Whether it is how we rank on U.S. News, how many athletes we send to the Olympics or how awesome our mascot is compared to the lame Stanfurd mascot (like, is a tree even a mascot?), we are in a constant competition. Though we still respect #thefurd, making fun of our fellow competitor is still fun. Not to mention, light-hearted degradations still makes us feel somewhat superior (which we are).

No bae/ significant Other jokes

A lot of us here don’t have a bae, which is a complete waste of our winning personalities and our unlimited messaging plan. Yik Yak acts as an entertaining medium to provide those of us who are alone with a sense of unity and helps us know that our struggles are the same. Also on the bright side, some of us, bae or no bae, are still part of the nation’s largest 4G LTE network. That’s always something nice to wake up to every morning when you don’t have a “good morning” text waiting for you.

Sex jokes

Whether it is the lack of sex or the nympho-mous amounts of sex you’re having, both scenarios have the potential of making great jokes. This category is all-inclusive, which is why it is so pervasive among Yik Yak users. Also, who doesn’t love a good sex joke?

Pizza/ Netflix jokes

Freshman 15 is a real epidemic, and so are procrastination and a lack of ambition.

You cleverly conceal your failure complaints into a witty joke, hoping that other students are also losing that line on their stomach from stress-eating while studying for midterms that they inevitably still failed. And of course, we UC Berkeley students do not let you down.

AirBears jokes

We pay one of the highest university housing costs in the country, and the Wi-Fi is still constantly down. Come on UC Berkeley, step up your game and use some of that tuition hike money on getting better Internet service. We have one of the top computer science programs, after all, and really should live up to that reputation Wi-Fi-wise. You can’t blame the students for making fun of this discrepancy with irony.

 

Unsuccessful

Drug jokes

No one needs to or wants to know how hard you tripped on edibles over the weekend or how much you couldn’t concentrate the next day. Unless you can share your story in the form of a really really really, and I emphasize, really funny joke, don’t try it. And if you do, good luck with that.

Asking for relationship advice

Is your relationship in danger if your girlfriend wasn’t completely satisfied with the unicorn sweater you got her for Christmas? No, but asking for relationship advice on Yik Yak is definitely a sign that something isn’t going to work out, and the sweater is not the problem. Talk about your problems over with your significant other, and how strangers on Yik Yak feel about the status of your relationship should be, and is, irrelevant.

S/O

Yes, that blonde girl at Crossroads was pretty hot, but yakking about her isn’t going to magically have her notice you. How about you grow some balls and go talk to that fine young lady, and then you can post a better yak that says: “Stopped being a coward and just straight up asked for this hot chick’s number. Going to get laid tonight,” or something along those lines.

Recycled yaks

You may get hella yakarma points for recycling yaks, but at the end of the day, what would you be more proud of? The 56 upvotes you got from making an astute observation on how much larger the erected dog penis you saw today was compared to yours, or the 150 upvotes on a recycled yak that says, “Let’s pray for Stanford students. Nothing happened, but they still go there”? Come up with your own shit, and show UC Berkeley’s Yik Yak users the hilarious and creative side of you that we know you have.

 

Contact Catherine Straus at [email protected].