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The drinks friends bring to your 21st birthday party

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APRIL 06, 2015

The thing about having a 21st birthday party is that ironically, you will never, ever be given the chance buy your own drink. People will flood your apartment bringing gifts of good cheer. Those closest to you will bring the works: margarita mix, peach schnapps, Kahlua and Fireball. Your bestie will show up two hours early and attempt to make jello-shots from a hastily Googled recipe (the first batch will go horribly wrong, and you’ll have to run to the corner store for more ingredients). Meanwhile, the rest of your periphery friends will show up with bagged wine left over from a house party and Gummy Vodka they’ve been trying to unload onto someone for weeks.

Here’s the motley of drinks you can expect at your 21st birthday party:

1. Fireball

Fireball whiskey tastes like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer did the cinnamon challenge, and then threw up in your mouth.

2. Vodka

The fun thing about vodka is you can mix it with anything. Orange juice! Cranberry juice! Coffee! Expired milk! Liquid detergent! Anything goes!

3. Rum

Resist the urge to sing “Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.” Resist the urge to make tired Pirates of the Caribbean jokes. No one will laugh at you for slurring, “But why is the rum gone?” after you chug the last of the Captain Morgan.

4. Jello-shots

This is the most frightening drink you will ever encounter. You’re not supposed to drink solids…it’s unnatural. “Swallow it all at once!” — your friends will cheer from the sidelines. Don’t do that — secretly break it in half with your tongue and pretend you swallowed the whole thing in one go. Warning: if you try to swallow it all at once, and for a split-second you lose your confidence and think, “Isn’t this kind of dangerous?”, you will choke on it and die.

5. Tequila

Everyone becomes a different person when they drink tequila. At least, this is what people tell themselves. “I get horny when I drink tequila,” your bestie will giggle in your ear, spilling some Jose Cuervo on your shoe. “I always want to dance when I drink tequila,” someone else will shout unnecessarily loudly. “I get really aggressive when I drink tequila,” another will chime in. You want to know the truth? Tequila gets you drunk, just like any other alcohol. You don’t become a louder, hornier, more confrontational person. The next time someone tells you this, flick them between the eyes and say, “Stop it. You do not become a ‘spicy Latin’ every time you drink tequila. That’s racist.”

6. We ran out of ingredients, so we’re just going to throw everything in a blender and see what happens

This is the fun part of the night. You are drunk enough that literally everything tastes good to you. Suddenly, you can handle straight shots of vodka with ease. Tap water is the only chaser you need. Someone asks, “Do you think we can replace the margarita mix with coffee creamer?” “Yeah!” you slur, accidentally impaling yourself on the sharp edge of your kitchen counter. “That sounds like a great idea.”

Contact Lilia Vega at [email protected].

APRIL 06, 2015