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7 uses for your extra matzo

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APRIL 10, 2015

It’s Passover again — the only time when eating cardboard is acceptable. “But cardboard isn’t a food,” you say. To that, we have only one reply: Clearly you’ve never had matzo before. For the uninitiated, matzo is a flatbread that Jews eat during Passover as a substitute for wheat products. To those in the know, matzo is both our worst nightmare and quite a handy household tool. Got a hole in your roof? Matzo to the rescue! Because we at the Clog know you probably live in an apartment, however, here are some other college student-themed uses for this piece of cardboard — we mean, delectable dish.

1. Use it as a seat on Memorial Glade.

So you really want to bask in the sun, but you’re tired of your bottom getting dirty. Have you ever considered that a square of matzo is the perfect size for your butt? Don’t feel bad that you didn’t — that’s why we geniuses at the Clog are here to help.

2. Crumble it and throw it in the air when you say something dramatic.

Have you ever made a perfectly phrased point in section, then realized you had no microphone to drop as you walked out? We can offer you one better: Throw matzo crumbs dramatically into the air when you finish talking. Bonus point if the matzo dust lands in your section nemesis’s eyes.

3. Make a sign to cheer on the Golden Bears.

A matzo sign is big enough for your favorite player to see, but small enough not to block the views of the people behind you in the stands. Plus, not only does it save paper, but it’s also compostable. Snaps to you, you environmentalist.

4. Use it to slide down 4.0 Hill.

When you’re done sitting on the Glade, take your matzo on over to 4.0 Hill and slide to your heart’s content. It’s like sledding in a winter wonderland — you know, besides the facts that it’s 70 degrees and there hasn’t been rain in California since last year.

5. Chew it to punctuate awkward discussion section silences.

So you brought your piece of matzo with you to section in anticipation of your brilliant point — but, surprise, you don’t have one. That’s OK — break the silence anyway by biting into your matzo when nobody is talking in section. At least now the crunch will give everyone something to listen to.

6. Use it to stabilize that one wobbly dining hall table.

Picture this: You get to the dining hall late, and you get stuck with the wobbly table everyone hates. Suffer no more, my friend. Stick a piece of matzo under the foot of the table, and you’ll be eating wobble-free in no time. Though hopefully, you won’t be eating matzo.

7. Trap squirrels with it.

We know you’ve always wanted a squirrel buddy, and now you have the means right at your fingertips (and on your fingertips … and all over your chest, if you’ve been eating matzo lately). Lure your furry friends in with your extra matzo. If it’s unsuitable for human consumption, why not give it to squirrels? They won’t even be able to tell the difference between it and their normal food.

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].

APRIL 12, 2015