So you just realized it’s a month from summer, and you’ve been eating at least two pieces of Crossroads pizza a day since September. Don’t panic — we’ve got you. We at the Clog love you, so we’ve devised a list of exercises you can do without ever stepping into the gym. Do all of these exercises twice a day for maximal results.
1. Register for a class in Dwinelle Hall.
‘Tis the (worst) season: Tele-BEARS registration is here again. But there’s one upshot to this terrible situation. Schedule a class in an unknown part of Dwinelle, then challenge yourself to find it. Think this is a one-use exercise? We guarantee that you won’t be able to remember where the hell it was as soon as you walk away.
2. Stand at the back of a protest.
Because protests are huge affairs at UC Berkeley, all you have to do to exercise is arrive late. Because you’ll be at the back of the crowd, you’ll have to keep jumping to see over people’s heads. How else are you supposed to find out who’s speaking or even what’s being protested? It’s just as if you were jumping rope — with 100 percent more political activism.
3. Make eye contact on Sproul Plaza.
Campaign season might be over, but all that means is that the normal Sproul flyerers can sense you’ve become complacent. And that’s good: They want you to be complacent. Now, as soon as you drop your guard and make eye contact with someone, he or she will walk right over and try to talk to you. Then, you’ll have to sprint as fast as you can to get away from her. See? Exercise. We told you.
4. Draw attention to your plastic bottle of water.
Pull out your plastic bottle after class — maybe wiggle it around a bit so it catches the eyes of your classmates. Then, if you don’t want to get murdered by angry environmentalists, you’ll be forced to run for your life. There’s also a bonus to this situation: The adrenaline released by fleeing from vengeful murderers will help you beat the sprint time you established when making eye contact on Sproul. Progress!
5. Throw a banana peel in the trash in front of Mulford Hall.
Are you sensing a general theme here? Ignore the very clearly marked compost bins and throw your fruit waste into the general trash can instead. Although this might not incite anger to the point of murder, you’ll still definitely get an exceedingly wordy lecture on the merits of composting. If you don’t want to hear about the beautiful mulch your classmate made from his own personal compost pile, you’d better start sprinting.
6. Try to reach books on the top shelf at Main Stacks.
This exercise is only for our advanced readers because it combines two benefits in one: calf exercise and diet control. Your constant attempts to reach for the books tone your calves, because every time you go on tiptoe, you exercise them. But also, because you’re not allowed to bring food into Main Stacks, you successfully save yourself from a veritable flood of calories. (Although we can’t guarantee you won’t sneak in an espresso brownie or two from the Free Speech Movement Cafe.) We think you’re looking skinnier already — and you never even set one foot into the Recreational Sports Facility.
Image sources: Luke Ma under Creative Commons.
Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].