If the Campanile were like Big Brother

Tony Zhou/Staff
Tony Zhou/Staff

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Most of us have read the infamous book “1984” by George Orwell and wondered how awful our lives would be under Big Brother. Being the imaginative souls we are, we at the Clog decided to help you with your daydreams (daynightmares?) about intrusive governmental policies by giving you a list of ways that our academic experience here at UC Berkeley would be altered if the Campanile were like Big Brother. How would you feel about these changes? Well, we will let you have the freedom to decide for yourself.

We wouldn’t be able to be 10 minutes late to class.

Our brains have already been wired for us to be 10 minutes late to everything, and any change made that disrupts that wiring would not be received positively. With the Campanile watching, however, we just might not have the extra 10 minutes in the morning to decide which pair of Birkenstocks goes best with our outfit, and those runs from class to class would not be pleasant.

No one would take advantage of the 10-for-$2 (0r the Magnum 10-for-$2.50) condom deal at the Tang Center.

When you thought college was the time to go wild with your sexual explorations, boy, were you wrong. The Campanile would watch over your sex life more closely than your parents ever did, and your chances of getting laid would essentially be nada. Unless some girl happened to find your almost-two-pack abs worth the risk of getting locked in a room with rats, you would not be purchasing condoms from the Tang Center.

Everyone would have the same number of meal points.

Meal points planning would no longer be a concern over which you grind your teeth at night. It would be only when you looked at your bank account that you would thank the Campanile that UC Berkeley has a socialist system for food, and the money you saved from tutoring calculus over the summer would not be going toward the $4 foot-long specials at Subway.

Every squirrel would have the same number of acorns.

Those “searching for bae” Snapchat stories of the squirrels would no longer exist, as there would be no need for the squirrels to hide and find their acorns. The Campanile would be robbing us of one of the cutest squirrel activities, and your friends from back home would be able to enjoy only the occasional Snapchats of squirrels running away from you from now on. Tragic.

We wouldn’t be able to argue with professors.

Imagine the horror of not being able to correct your professor or GSI when he or she has differentiated an equation incorrectly. If X weren’t solved for properly, you would definitely have trouble falling asleep at night.

No more protests

If the Campanile successfully propagandized its way into our brains, forcing us to believe that tuition hikes were a good thing, then students wouldn’t have protested about the issue — or any other issue, for that matter. Sadly, this means we would not be getting that extra workout from hiking around Sather Gate.

Contact Catherine Straus at [email protected].