Celebrity resume: Gwyneth Paltrow

eLENA tUBARO/Creative Commons

It’s summer! For everyone not in Berkeley, this means enjoying the sun, eating food, gaining weight, watching TV, and taking a complete mental and physical break from school. For students in Berkeley, summer means … internships. We at the Clog are sure that many of you have been tirelessly editing and re-editing your resumes to impress those companies, and we want to give you a friendly reminder that resumes are the perfect platform to show those companies who you truly are. Don’t forget: It never hurts to stretch the truth a little. Take a look at Gwyneth Paltrow’s resume for your own resume-drafting inspiration.

                                                                                                                                                       Gwyneth Paltrow

235 Natural Blvd. Hidden Valley, Calif. | 1-800-IAMCOOLERTHANYOU | [email protected] (because “dot com” is not organic) 

Overview:                  

  • Efficient multi-tasker (e.g.: being obnoxious and rude at the same time)
  • Can live on a diet consisting of nothing
  • Creative and progressive (e.g.: naming one of my kids Apple)
  • Strong track record of backhanded compliments

Education:                                                                                                                                                                           

UC Santa Barbara                                                                                                                 1990-91 (did not graduate)

  • Major: Art history
  • Minor: Pretentious attitude

Work experience:                                                                                                                                                      

Founder of Goop                                                                                                                                           Present

  • An online website designed to show off my life
  • Presents unhealthy and unattainable eating habits that people should not follow

Kickstarted the “conscious uncoupling” campaign                                                                          2014

  • Enlightened the world on this rapidly growing phenomenon
  • Brought even more attention to my website (see above)

Actress                                                                                                                                                  Since I was 15

  • 1999: Academy Award winner for best leading actress
  • Less important experience (used more as a way to prove that I am better than everyone)

Community service:                                                                                                                                                 

Everything                                                                                                                                                     Forever

  • My pure existence is a charity to all.
  • Taught the world the proper way to live while adding excitement to boring lives (see “conscious uncoupling”)

Awards and achievements:                                                                                                                                   

Mastered the art of subtle insults                                      Date unknown (it’s happened too many times)

  • “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
  • “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”
  • “I would rather die than let my kid eat cup-o-soup.”

Interests:                                                                                                                                                                      

  • Making you feel badly about your college diet of Cup Noodles
  • Finding ways to further constrict my diet
  • Using any opportunity to promote the correct way of life (see my blog)
  • Successfully making those around me dislike me

References available upon request.

Image source: eLENA tUBARO under Creative Commons

Contact Morrissa Berman at [email protected].