It’s summer! For everyone not in Berkeley, this means enjoying the sun, eating food, gaining weight, watching TV, and taking a complete mental and physical break from school. For students in Berkeley, summer means … internships. We at the Clog are sure that many of you have been tirelessly editing and re-editing your resumes to impress those companies, and we want to give you a friendly reminder that resumes are the perfect platform to show those companies who you truly are. Don’t forget: It never hurts to stretch the truth a little. Take a look at Gwyneth Paltrow’s resume for your own resume-drafting inspiration.
235 Natural Blvd. Hidden Valley, Calif. | 1-800-IAMCOOLERTHANYOU | [email protected] (because “dot com” is not organic)
- Efficient multi-tasker (e.g.: being obnoxious and rude at the same time)
- Can live on a diet consisting of nothing
- Creative and progressive (e.g.: naming one of my kids Apple)
- Strong track record of backhanded compliments
UC Santa Barbara 1990-91 (did not graduate)
- Major: Art history
- Minor: Pretentious attitude
Founder of Goop Present
- An online website designed to show off my life
- Presents unhealthy and unattainable eating habits that people should not follow
Kickstarted the “conscious uncoupling” campaign 2014
- Enlightened the world on this rapidly growing phenomenon
- Brought even more attention to my website (see above)
Actress Since I was 15
- 1999: Academy Award winner for best leading actress
- Less important experience (used more as a way to prove that I am better than everyone)
- My pure existence is a charity to all.
- Taught the world the proper way to live while adding excitement to boring lives (see “conscious uncoupling”)
Awards and achievements:
Mastered the art of subtle insults Date unknown (it’s happened too many times)
- “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
- “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.”
- “I would rather die than let my kid eat cup-o-soup.”
- Making you feel badly about your college diet of Cup Noodles
- Finding ways to further constrict my diet
- Using any opportunity to promote the correct way of life (see my blog)
- Successfully making those around me dislike me
References available upon request.
Image source: eLENA tUBARO under Creative Commons
Contact Morrissa Berman at [email protected].