50 thoughts we had while watching Jurassic World

Rayanne Velayo Piaña/Staff

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Warning: spoilers! (obviously)

  1. We took the bus all the way to Emeryville for this.
  2. This park clearly did not do so well the first time (or the second and third). Why in the hell would they re-open it?
  3. Zach is really angsty and a terrible older brother.
  4. Wow, he’s kind of a fuckboy, too.
  5. “If something chases you — run.” Gee, I wonder if that’s foreshadowing.
  6. Did Gray just ask how heavy the island is? How did no one find that odd?
  7. Hey, isn’t that the guy from New Girl?!
  8. Huh, the front of the theme park kind of looks like a tropical version of Downtown Disney.
  10. Literally, he’s life. He just saved that guy’s life.
  11. The raptors’ names are Blue, Charlie, Delta and Echo. B, C, D, E … Wait, where’s the Alpha?
  12. Oh, endearing male lead and frustrating female lead. Will there be sexual tension?
  13. Of course. There it is. Hello, sexual tension.
  14. Hmm, genetically mutated dinosaur hybrid that ate its sibling? I wonder what could possibly go wrong!
  15. Can we talk about how this 8-year-old boy is constantly spitting oddly specific dinosaur statistics?
  16. For a movie set in Costa Rica, there appears to be a blatant lack of Costa Ricans.
  17. Oh, look! Capitalism!
  19. Jurassic World looks hella fun! I’d definitely want to go.
  20. I take that back. Deadly hybrid dinosaur has escaped.
  21. Oh wait, no it hasn’t. GET OUT OF THE CAGE, CHRIS PRATT, RUN!
  22. Well, that guy’s dead. … That other guy is VERY dead.
  23. And deadly hybrid dinosaur has officially escaped. This is no longer fun.
  24. No, Zach. It’s probably not a good idea to take your little brother to the clearly RESTRICTED area.
  25. But of course you did. Whatever. Common sense isn’t for fiction, you know?
  26. Told you, dude, you shouldn’t have done it.
  27. Now a murderous dinosaur is playing SOCCER with the ball you two happen to be inside of.
  28. Are Claire’s heels made of steel? How have they lasted the whole movie?
  29. How has she lasted the whole movie wearing them?
  30. I don’t understand why people aren’t being put on evacuation votes.
  31. You know, we could at least try to get everyone off the island.
  32. Or we can just put all the warm bodies in one place while a deadly heat-sensing dinosaur is on the loose. That’s fine, too.
  33. Yeah, guys, I don’t think a few bullets are going to take down the giant raging dinosaur.
  34. Militarizing dinosaurs is a terrible idea in general, but right now maybe the raptors can save the day?
  35. Ohhhhh Chris Pratt is the raptors’ Alpha! Duh, he’s Star Lord.
  36. He already saved the galaxy. What’s one island?
  37. Squad goals: Chris Pratt on an ATV leading a pack of raptors.
  38. Owen is like the Crocodile Dundee of dinosaurs.
  39. Raptors, you had ONE job. Whose side are you even on?!
  40. Oh, crap.
  41. Wait, yes, raptors! Remember whom you’re loyal to! Who raised you? Who’s your real fam?!
  42. Oh, no, raptors. Well, you tried …
  43. Yes, BRING OUT THE CHALLENGER! Hello, T-Rex!
  44. Blue makes a comeback! The real MVP!
  46. Bye bloodthirsty hybrid freak! You are fish food now!
  47. T-Rex is still the queen, and all is right.
  48. But can we keep Chris Pratt around forever, just in case? For survival, obviously.
  49. Let’s not re-open this park, okay people?
  50. Unless we get another really good movie out of it.

Contact Rayanne Piaña at [email protected].