If you weren’t the model goody two shoes back home, your parents have a reason to expect the worse of you once you’ve escaped their watch. After their constant strings of warning messages about how corruptive college is, we are here to provide your parents with some emotional clarity. While they’re lying in bed worrying about how you could potentially mess up your life, here is what you’ll actually be doing.
Expectation: Partying too much
Reality: You’ve got too much on your plate to go out partying every night. As a UC Berkeley student, you’ve become responsible enough to prioritize your grades ahead of struggling to get into fraternities to drink cheap beer.
Expectation: Having too much sex
Reality: Sexually transmitted infections should be the least of their worries. The dry spell you’re currently in has basically morphed into abstinence.
Expectation: Experimenting with drugs
Reality: Not only are you too poor to have access to drugs whenever you want, but you are scared out of your mind to try cocaine. In fact, your parents probably know more about drugs than you do.
Or maybe you’ve managed to give your parents the impression that you have your life together. In that case, we’re here let them know what you’re actually up to. So, parents, if you’re bragging about how well your child is doing in college, realize that what they’re telling you might not be 100 percent true.
Expectation: Going to lectures, including the 8 a.m. ones
Reality: Many of the 8 a.m. classes are recorded, and you would be better off watching the lectures at 3 p.m. than falling asleep in the lecture hall at 8 a.m.
Expectation: Hitting the gym
Reality: You may have gone to the gym on those days when you felt especially bad about your body after having been on Instagram for too long. Most days, however, you are too preoccupied with procrastinating on your schoolwork to even think about working out.
Expectation: Going to the sports games
Reality: As soon as you no longer have access to the free tickets you got as a freshman, going to sports games is no longer a reality. All of your money has gone elsewhere.
Contact Catherine Straus at [email protected].