Hey, you! You are about to do something silly. Yes, something really, really silly — like trip on the last step of a flight of stairs because you thought you were all right not looking down since you made it this far. Look at this list of silly things not to do, study it and don’t do that thing you were just about to do.
- Confuse your Biology 1A professor’s name with that of notable author of the James Bond series, Ian Fleming. No, that isn’t his name. Try Robert Ludlum, author of the Jason Bourne series. This is far more likely to be your professor’s name.
- Forget a toothbrush. Yes, we said it! Don’t forget your toothbrush on the first day of your ESPM class. Your mom always says to pack a toothbrush. And, as we said in a previous article, mothers are always right.
- Use non-blue ink. It’s a rookie move from a fresh-faced first year that hasn’t yet been hardened by the cold and repeated slaps of college monotony. You aren’t impressing your English 45A peers with your rainbow pen collection. Hell, you probably won’t even re-read the notes you’re taking. Spare the pen, spoil the child.
- Get caught playing pinball in class. It’s not silly that you were doing something other than taking notes in class — we get that. It’s silly that you brought out the mid-2000s relic that’s a pinball machine. One day Indiana Jones will look for this game, but then give up and then settle for minesweeper (which we can all agree is a far superior intellectual pursuit).
- Forget a fork and knife — or chopsticks, we suppose. Regardless, definitely don’t get caught in class asking if we have any spare utensils. It’s poor form buddy; you can cut class, but you can’t cut food without cutlery.
- Sit in the third row from the back. This screams, “Not quite cool enough to roll with the guys and gals that sit in the back row draped in black leather and an excessive amount of zippers.” Either go all-in with the extra pockets posse or sit next to your GSI in the front row and show him pictures of your sister petting your Corgi. There is no in-between.
- Laugh at your professor’s well-rehearsed jokes. What rhymes with tetrahedron and has three legs? Desperation. Don’t gratify your instructor with cheap laughs — make them work for the kind of belly-aching spasms that a well-timed joke deserves.
Contact Ismael Farooqui at [email protected].