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Low commitment dates for your Berkeley 'thing'

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SEPTEMBER 15, 2015

We at the Clog would like to remind you that modern dating is very different now than when our parents were young’uns. People no longer date — instead, they “talk,” or, on very special occasions when the stars align just right, they “Netflix and chill.” People no longer refer to their partners as their “significant other,” but as their nebulous “thing.” What is a “thing,” you ask? We can’t help you there. However, we can help you sustain the ambiguity of that special relationship (don’t freak out, “relationship” here just means an interaction between two people). We’ve compiled a list of Berkeley activities to do with that not-so-special someone — and we’ve made sure that they’re as low-commitment as your relationship with each other.

Take your “thing” to brunch.

Before you yell, “this screams commitment,” and run away terrified, hear us out. There is no more low-commitment activity than eating a meal that can’t commit to being either breakfast or lunch. Those eggs and pancakes your “thing” is eating at 11 a.m. are nothing less than a physical reminder of society’s inability to commit to eating breakfast at a normal hour — and, if society is completely ignoring the socially accepted definition of “breakfast,” why can’t you ignore the socially acceptable definition of “relationship?”

Clog tip: If your “thing” errs on the breakfast side of brunch, order something more “lunchy” to show just how seriously you’re taking the whole not-serious thing.

Take your “thing” on a campus tour.

What’s low commitment about a campus tour, you ask? Just look around you! All of the buildings on campus are designed by architects who come from different schools of style — and if the campus can’t even commit to one style of architecture, then you never have to officially commit to your “thing.” Let’s say your “thing” is brutalism, represented by Kroeber Hall. Well, when you get tired of brutalism, all you have to do is take a few strides down to Doe Library — representing classical style. New “things” (oops, we meant buildings) are everywhere!

Clog tip: Never linger too long in front of any building. You don’t want your “thing” to think you have the attention span to commit to anything.

Take your “thing” to Asian Ghetto.

Just as Asian Ghetto can’t commit to serving a specific type of cuisine, you don’t have to commit to defining the exact status of you and your “thing.” The Asian Ghetto keeps all its options open by serving Italian, Thai and Japanese food among other cuisines — and people love the Asian Ghetto for it. Faced with this compelling representation of non-commitment, how can your “thing” possibly ask you for more clarity about his or her own relationship with you? Your “thing” will be too busy stuffing Gypsy’s into his or her mouth anyway (while you you eat at Thai Basil instead).

Clog tip: Make sure you and your “thing” order food from two separate places before eating in the Asian Ghetto courtyard. Getting dinner from the same place is a serious commitment — and that’s the last thing you want. 

Take your “thing” hiking on the fire trails.

As Fleetwood Mac always says, “You can go your own way.” Tired of the main trail (or, quite honestly, can’t even find the main trail in the first place)? Refuse to commit to the main path and take any number of dangerous but more fun side paths. One might even argue that, while these side paths are less defined, they are ultimately more rewarding. Now that we think about it, these mazes of paths are the perfect metaphor for your relationship with your “thing.” We most certainly did not plan that one.

Clog tip: Fake your “thing” out by pretending to take a side path and then ditching him or her for a different one. Your “thing” might be inextricably lost in the woods, but at least he or she gets your message loud and clear.

Contact Emma Schiffer at [email protected].

SEPTEMBER 15, 2015